Q: Who wins when we pit Pierce Brosnan-era James Bond flicks against a slew of badass Angelina Jolie action capers? A: We all do, baby.
Fatal Reunion – Friday, Feb 22, 8pm ET
The Kingdom – Friday, Feb 22, 11:15pm, plus Saturday, Feb 23, 3am ET
Mr. & Mrs. Smith – Saturday, Feb 23, 11am and 3:30pm ET
The Tourist – Saturday, Feb 23, 1:30pm, plus Sunday, Feb 17, 12:30am ET
Stonehenge Apocalypse – Saturday, Feb 23, 6pm ET
Tasmanian Devil (MOW) – Saturday, Feb 23, 8pm, plus Sunday, Feb 24, 3:30am ET
Wanted – Saturday, Feb 23, 10pm, plus Sunday, Feb 24, 3:30am ET
Die Another Day – Sunday, Feb 24, 12:30am, 3pm, and 10pm ET
The World Is Not Enough – Sunday, Feb 24, 12pm ET
The cast: Erika Eleniak, David Millbern, Michael Bergin
The Showcase synopsis: “Unhappy in her marriage, a housewife gets more than she bargains for after contacting an old high school crush.”
Consider this guilty pleasure b-movie an appetite whetter of sorts. As noted above, when flustered hausenfrau Jessica Hartley Landers discovers her hubby may be cheating, she does the 2005 equivalent of ‘Facebooking’ to hook up with a fella from her past. Bad idea? Hey, this wouldn’t be a Lifetime TV movie if it wasn’t!
Blondie here sure wishes action star Angelina Jolie was around to help.
Mr. & Mrs. Smith
The cast: Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie
The Showcase synopsis: “A bored married couple is surprised to learn they’re both assassins hired by competing agencies to kill each other.”
Sure, this is the film where Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt met, fell in love, co-opted the ‘Brangelina’ portmanteau, and began raising an army of mostly non-related children. But don’t let such behind-the-scenes shenanigans distract you from what’s a taut, funny, action-packed spy thriller. Mr. & Mrs. Smith is a classic, amigo. Plus, it’ll make you feel way better about your own dysfunctional relationship. So you know... win-win.
In the age-old battle of machine guns vs. cleavers, always bet on machine guns.
The cast: Johnny Depp, Angelina Jolie, Paul Bettany
The Showcase synopsis: “While visiting Italy to mend a broken heart, an American tourist meets Elise, an mysterious woman who draws him into a world of intrigue and espionage.”
I visited Italy about a year and a half ago, and my experience was a tad different than what Johnny Depp’s character goes through in The Tourist. I wasn’t mistaken for somebody else, nor was I chased, shot at, or courted by an impossibly beautiful woman. I had trouble finding the exit at the Coliseum, and may have briefly fallen asleep on a tour bus. But that was pretty much the extent of my adventure. Which is exactly what makes The Tourist so awesome: it’s the exact opposite of all our dumbass boring travel stories.
The movie’s original cut featured 75 minutes of staring contest footage.
The cast: Angelina Jolie, James McAvoy, Morgan Freeman
The Showcase synopsis: “A frustrated office worker learns he’s the son of a professional assassin, and that he shares his father's superhuman killing abilities."
If I’m ever marked for assassination, I want the person pulling the trigger to be A) a woman (I’m an equal opportunity target), and B) as attractive as Angelina Jolie. I feel life owes me that much.
Morgan Freeman believes exposure therapy may rid Angie of her paper phobia.
Die Another Day
The cast: Pierce Brosnan, Halle Berry
The Showcase synopsis: “James Bond is sent to investigate the connection between a North Korean terrorist and a diamond mogul funding the development of an international space weapon.”
What’s fantastic about this film? So much. Brosnan is a rock-solid Bond. Halle Berry is smart, sexy, and ‘oh snap!’ fine. Also, the stakes are big, ‘cause there’s a freakin’ SPACE WEAPON (!), amigo. But best of all, courtesy of an explosion type thing, the main villain has diamonds embedded in his face. I call him Diamond Face Guy.
A good loofah would get those right out.
The World Is Not Enough
The cast: Pierce Brosnan, Sophie Marceau, Robert Carlyle
The Showcase synopsis: “James Bond uncovers a nuclear plot when he protects an oil heiress from her former kidnapper, an international terrorist who can't feel pain.”
Best Bond film title ever. Why? Because it sounds like a nagging spouse. “The world just isn’t enough for you, is it Morgan? Huh? Answer me! Stop tuning me out!”
Denise Richards plays a nuclear physicist in this one. So, um… Yeah.