That’s right, it’s all February up in this! Look at your calendar – the science checks out. Naturally we all need to celebrate with some freakin’ amazing movies.
Behind The Wall – Friday, Feb 1, 8pm ET
The Matrix Reloaded – Friday, Feb 1, 10pm, plus Saturday, Feb 2, 1am and 12:30pm ET
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull – Saturday, Feb 2, 3:30pm, plus Sunday, Feb 3, 3am ET
Metal Tornado– Saturday, Feb 2, 6pm ET
Decoys II (MOW) – Saturday, Feb 2, 8pm, plus Sunday, Feb 3, 6pm ET
TRON: Legacy – Saturday, Feb 2, 10pm, plus Sunday, Feb 3, 12:30am ET
27 Dresses – Sunday, Feb 3, 10:30am ET
Easy A – Sunday, Feb 3, 1pm ET
The Blind Side – Sunday, Feb 3, 3pm and 11pm ET
Behind the Wall
The cast: Lindy Booth, James Thomas, Suzie Pollard
The Showcase synopsis: “Dude! Murder! Plus a haunted lighthouse!”
You think Stephen King’s cornered the market on horror stories set in small New England towns? Think again, hombre. ‘Cause Behind the Wall is here, and it’s going to freak the ever-loving heck out of you. Welcome to Harrison Bay, a coastal town in Maine with a dark, creepy secret and an even darker, creepier lighthouse. Well, when its lamp is off. With the lights blaring it’s a little less creepy. Anyhow, I was actually in a coastal town in Maine last August, and it was absolutely terrifying. Mostly because none of the restaurants served Coke Zero. I really like Coke Zero.
Is this the wall from the movie’s title? I’ll never tell!
The Matrix Reloaded
The cast: Keanu Reeves, Laurence Fishburne, Carrie-Anne Moss
The Showcase synopsis: “Neo and the rebel leaders estimate they have 72 hours until 250,000 probes discover Zion and destroy it and its inhabitants.”
This is a much-improved upon version of the original script – titled The Matrix Loaded – which mostly has Neo, Morpheus, and Trinity doing keg stands at a Zion fraternity party.
“Hey, remember this scene in the movie? Where they all lined up according to height?”
The cast: Lou Diamond Phillips, Nicole de Boer, Greg Evigan
The Showcase synopsis: “An American company inadvertently unleashes a magnetic vortex on an unprepared world.”
Tornados are localized, violently destructive windstorms characterized by a long, funnel-shaped cloud. And they’re soooo 2012. Why? Because they’re made out of air, which is inherently dumb “Oh no, wind! I’m so scared! What are you gonna do, dry that wall I just painted?” No sir, it’s a new year, which means we need a new tornado. A METAL tornado, if you will. Why? Because as any meteorological expert will tell you, metal is the opposite of wind. So watch your back, Eiffel Tower!
I said “watch your back,” dummy.
Decoys II (MOW)
The cast: Corey Sevier, Tyler Johnston, Kailin See
The Showcase synopsis: “Shortly after several college students compete to see who can hook up with the most co-eds, men around town begin disappearing under strange circumstances. Yep, it seems the college has become a hunting ground for intergalactic predators!”
I know what’s running through your mind right now. You’re asking yourself, “Will my enjoyment of Decoys II be compromised if I’ve never seen Decoys I?” An excellent question, and here’s my very excellent answer: forget THAT noise! You can rest easy in the knowledge that Decoys II is its own thing; one that doesn’t need to rely on some other movie’s set-up, premise, characters, or denouement. That all said, Decoys II is so big and badass, it makes Decoy I look like The Rugrats Movie (a decidedly non badass film).
I won’t lie to ya, bro: they’re a little high maintenance.
The cast: Jeff Bridges, Garrett Hedlund, Olivia Wilde
The Showcase synopsis: “As Sam Flynn searches for his long-lost father, he finds himself pulled into the digital world of TRON. Together, the two men must embark on a life-and-death journey of escape across a visually-stunning cyber universe.”
Speaking of sequels, how cool is it when you make a follow-up to a classic movie 30 years later? Answer: very cool. Especially when it’s TRON! The original was way ahead of its time, especially when you consider how lame actual arcade games were back in 1982. Had it attempted to be more realistic, we’d have seen Jeff Bridges’ character sucked into the storyline from Frogger. Up for watching two hours of car dodging and log jumping? Didn’t think so.
“Ladies, you may be asking why I’ve A) assembled you here, and B) suggested you all be incredibly attractive.”
The cast: Katherine Heigl, James Marsden, Malin Åkerman
The Showcase synopsis: “After serving as a bridesmaid 27 times, a young woman wrestles with the idea of standing by her sister's side as her sibling marries the man she's secretly in love with.”
Don’t even act like you’re not in the mood for a rom-com featuring beautiful women and hunky guys. Don’t even. My advice: make things easier on yourself and say yes to the dress.
I’m only counting FOURTEEN – why must you lie, movie?!