Place your bets, because this weekend we’re pitting tough-as-nails dramas against goofy Sandler-infused comedies. Who’ll win? Spoiler alert: we all will.
Hitman – Friday, Jan 18, 10pm ET/PT
50 First Dates – Saturday, Jan 19, 2am and 11am ET/PT
Grown Ups – Saturday, Jan 19, 1:30pm, plus Sunday, Jan 20, 3am ET/PT
Just Go with It – Saturday, Jan 19, 3:30pm and 10pm, plus Sunday, Jan 20, 12:30am ET/PT
He Loves Me (MOW) – Saturday, Jan 19, 6pm ET/PT
The Bouquet (MOW) – Saturday, Jan 19, 8pm ET/PT
The Bourne Supremacy – Sunday, Jan 20, 12:30pm ET/PT
Inception – Sunday, Jan 20, 3pm ET/PT
Seattle Superstorm (MOW) – Sunday, Jan 20, 6pm ET/PT
The cast: Timothy Olyphant and some other dudes
The Showcase synopsis: “Based on the top-selling, award-winning videogame franchise, the Hitman is a genetically-engineered elite assassin known as Agent 47.”
Whether you know Tim Olyphant from HBO’s Deadwood or FX’s Justified, one thing is clear: he makes one hell of a shaved-head, genetically-engineered tough guy. I mean, just have a peek at the photo below. Does this seem like the kind of fellow who’d get jittery delivering a toast at his buddy’s wedding? No way, Jose – Hitman don’t play dat. Nerves of steel, baby. Nerves of steel.
Like many of us, Agent 47 does his best hitman work in the bathroom.
50 First Dates
The cast: Adam Sandler, Drew Barrymore
The Showcase synopsis: “Henry Roth is a man afraid of commitment. Then he meets the beautiful Lucy. All goes well until he discovers her short-term memory makes her forgets him after every time they go out.”
When you caught Memento in theatres back in 2000, perhaps you thought to yourself, “Great film, but I wish it was a comedy.” Well friend, We’ve got good news. 50 First Dates has all the short-term memory loss antics of the critically acclaimed Christopher Nolan flick, only without all that darn mopey-faced seriousness. Bonus: Hawaiian shirts, ukuleles, and the by-all-accounts very sweet and lovely Drew Barrymore.
He doesn’t play the Chanukah song, so stop asking.
Just Go with It
The cast: Adam Sandler, Jennifer Aniston, Brooklyn Decker
The Showcase synopsis: “On a weekend trip to Hawaii, a plastic surgeon convinces his loyal assistant to pose as his soon-to-be-divorced wife in order to cover up a careless lie he told to his much-younger girlfriend.”
Ever performed improv on stage? Rule number one is “just go with it.” So if your scene partner says you’re scaling Kilimanjaro, then buddy, you’re scaling g-darn Kilimanjaro. If you retort with, “We can’t be mountain climbing because we’re building a Lego George Lucas in Sunday school,” guess what? You’re doing the opposite of “just go with it.” And that makes you a bad person. The lesson here: watch this movie and you’ll be the next Wayne Brady. (note: results may vary)
Likely the scene where he whispers in Aniston’s ear and says the name of the movie.
He Loves Me (MOW)
The cast: Heather Locklear, Max Martini, Holly Elissa
The Showcase synopsis: “As Laura desperately tries to save her adultery-riddled marriage, her mysterious past begins to emerge. Her therapist soon realizes Laura could be delusional, and that she could be driven to kill anyone who gets in the way of her fantasy world.”
That’s right baby – it’s an original Lifetime movie! With H-Locks acting all crazy, as female characters over 50 tend to do in Lifetime movies!
“Oh snap, wall – you did NOT just say that!”
The Bouquet (MOW)
The cast: Alberta Mayne, Danny Glover, Kristy Swanson
The Showcase synopsis: “When a tragic turn of events brings two estranged sisters home to their parents’ struggling florist shop, they discover just how much they need one another in order to continue their family legacy.”
The Bouquet is the perfect bit of counter-programming to all the crazy comedies, dark dramas, and disaster flicks we’re airing this weekend, It’s a character driven story about frustration, family, friendship, and flowers. If you don’t love it, you’re 100% a heartless monster. There, I said it.
“No we don’t sell pseudocycas altissimas – they’re indiginious to the Na’vi on Pandora, dummy.”
The cast: Leonardo DiCaprio, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Ellen Page, Michael Caine, Cillian Murphy
The Showcase synopsis: “In a world where technology exists to enter the human mind through dream invasion, a highly-skilled thief is given a final chance at redemption, which involves executing his toughest job to date: Inception.”
Right now you fall into one of two categories. You’ve either seen Inception already and were so blown away by it that additional viewings aren’t just enticing, they’re mandatory. Or you’ve spent the past two-and-a-half years stuck on an island bereft of theatres, Netflix, or illegal torrent files. Should this be the case, your “welcome back to civilization” movie is, hands down, Inception. Enjoy it, you crazy sunburned castaway.
Left to right: those three folks from ‘The Dark Knight Rises,’ ‘Django Unchained’ guy, Juno.