Hello. So to recap: you were born, you went to school, met a bunch of people, got educated, then made a series of life choices. The most recent one brought you to Showcase.ca, where, because of the funny photo caption on the main page, you clicked the ‘Weekend Movies’ banner.

Congratulations! It was a lifetime in the making, but you passed the test. Below are your rewards, in convenient film format.

                         This was not the image/caption combination you found funny. 

Friday, Feb. 17, 10pm, plus Saturday, Feb. 18, 3pm and 10pm, plus Sunday, Feb. 19, 12:30pm – Star Trek
Saturday, Feb. 18, 1am and 3:30am – Star Trek: Nemesis
Saturday, Feb. 18, 12:30pm, plus Sunday, Feb. 19, 1am and 3:30am – The Day After Tomorrow
Saturday, Feb. 18, 8pm – Riverworld (Pt. 1 of 2)

Star Trek

The cast: Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, Zoe Saldana, Eric Bana
The Showcase synopsis: “A chronicle of the early days of James T. Kirk and his fellow USS Enterprise crew members.”
The dad pun Twitter hashtag: #AStarIsBorn!

Esteemed customer: we here at Star Trek realize you have options when it comes to star-based franchises. Star Wars. Stargate SG-1. OnStar. Star Jones. And rest assured, we appreciate your continued patronage. As the oldest and most venerable member of this list (with the exception of Star Jones – ZING!), Star Trek is committed to providing you with the optimal viewing experience.

We truly hope you’ve taken pleasure in many of our fine Trek products throughout the years, from Vulcans to Bajorans to genetically engineered miscreants like Khan Noonien Singh. Please enjoy this latest offering; we personally guarantee it will meet the high quality and standards you’ve come to expect from Star Trek.

Sincerely,

Star Trek

                                 And once again, our sincerest apologies for this guy.

Star Trek: Nemesis
The cast: Patrick Stewart, Jonathan Frakes, Brent Spiner, Levar Burton, Michael Dorn
The Showcase synopsis: “After the Enterprise is diverted to the planet Romulus to negotiate a truce, the Federation discovers the Romulans are planning an attack on Earth.”
The dad pun Twitter hashtag: #FIVE-STARtrek!

Oh, also this guy. Sorry about this guy.

          “I promise you won’t see me on Showcase this weekend.” – Ensign Wesley Crusher

The Day After Tomorrow

The cast: Dennis Quaid, Jake Gyllenhaal
The Showcase synopsis: “A scientist tries to figure out a way to save the world from abrupt climate change, including hailstorms, tornadoes and a new ice age.”
The dad pun Twitter hashtag #TomorrowTomorrowILoveYouTomorrow!

The great Archimedes once said, “Give me a Quaid and a Gyllenhaal and I will move the world.” Then 2263 years later, both men starred in The Day After Tomorrow. Coincidence?

Yes, actually. Archimedes said a lot of crazy nonsensical crap in his day. Plus, he spoke Ancient Greek, which for all you etymologists out there, is a completely different language than English. So I’m assuming the above quote was little more than a random sequence of syllables that spilled from his mouth during a weekend-long hemlock bender, or whatever it was guys did back then to escape the Ancient Greek nagging of their Ancient Greek wives.

However, don’t let this diminish the fact that The Day After Tomorrow is an awesome nail-biter of a disaster movie. It’s ‘top drawer,’ as the British say. And the Brits are certainly no stranger to drawers.

                           “I say – that bottom drawer is top drawer!”

Riverworld (Part 1 of 2)

The cast: Alan Cumming, Tahmoh Penikett, Laura Vandervoort
The Showcase synopsis: “Welcome to Riverworld, a place of strange, watery beauty and the current abode of a fascinating cast of the recently – and not-so-recently – dead. It certainly isn't heaven, but it just might be hell.”
The dad pun Twitter hashtag: #ARiverRunsThroughIt(‘It’Being‘Awesomeness’!)

As a sci-fi connoisseur (Notice how several paragraphs back I tossed around Khan’s middle name like a BOSS?), I freakin’ love the premise of Riverworld. Basically, you die. Then instead of going to heaven or Kentucky, you wake up on a terraformed planet across the universe, your DNA having been reconstructed for some reason. Why? There’s the rub, isn’t it? Basically, it’s none of your business, ‘cause I’m not gonna be Spoiley McSpoilerson, the Archduke of Spoilerville. But let’s just say the answer will blow your mind all over your TV set and your cleaning lady’s gonna be awfully pissed about it come Monday morning.

 
       “This still beats cleaning up after he’d watch Showcase’s old Friday night line-up.”