Showcase friends, foes and frenemies: four awesome movies are comin’ at you this weekend, and all of them involve a series of superheroes kicking a series of arses. This is a no-brainer on our end, because people a) love superhero movies, and b) REALLY love the idea of having superpowers.
Unlike most mortals, I possess two (2) superpowers. I have ridiculously nice hand model hands, and I can harmonize the living sh*t out of the last line of the Happy Birthday song. I avoid using these powers for evil but occasionally fall short of succeeding.
My sexy hand, ramping up to kill an unwitting resident.
Alas, we can’t all have superpowers (except me: as noted above, I totally, 100% have them). Fortunately, Showcase is letting you live vicariously through the jizzaked-up, cape-sporting Übermensches in the below films:
Friday, Jan. 13, 10pm, plus Saturday, Jan. 14, 2:30am – X-Men: The Last Stand
Saturday, Jan. 14, 12:30am and 1:30pm – Hancock
Saturday, Jan. 14, 3:30pm, plus Sunday Jan. 15, 12am – Iron Man
Saturday, Jan. 14, 10pm, plus Sunday, Jan. 15, 2:30am – Underworld: Rise of the Lycans
X-Men: The Last Stand
The cast: Hugh Jackman, Patrick Stewart, Halle Berry, Ian McKellen. Famke Janssen
The Showcase synopsis: “In the climax of the X-Men motion picture trilogy, a “cure” for mutancy threatens to alter the course of history. For the first time, mutants have a choice: retain their uniqueness or give up their powers to fit in.”
The dad pun Twitter hashtag: #X-Cellent,Man!
I dig the X-Men. They’re superheroes, but there’s a whole bunch of ‘em working together –like Kardashians or a bowling team. Also, the letter X is inherently badass. If I’m plotting world domination from my secret Peruvian bunker, a visit from The H-Men ain’t exactly gonna make me quiver in my space boots.
What’s great about this film is the fact it’s the X-Men’s last stand. As far as stands go, I’m not a first, second or penultimate kinda guy – the stakes just aren’t high enough. I needs me a last one to sink my teeth into, and you bet your frozen Iceman balls this flick delivers.
Ironically, Circuit Boy Angel always forgets the leather uniform.
Hancock
The cast: Will Smith, Jason Bateman, and Charlize Theron
The Showcase synopsis: “Edgy, conflicted, sarcastic, and misunderstood, Hancock isn't the kind of superhero who cares what other people think. Until the day that he saves the life of PR executive Ray Embrey, and the sardonic crusader begins to realize he may have a vulnerable side after all.”
The dad pun Twitter hashtag: #One(Awesome)NightInHancock!
Hancock’s a superhero, and he’s kind of a dick. Which I personally have no issue with. To assume a person needs a sunny disposition to carry out good deeds is to negate hundreds of years of recorded history. Thomas Edison invented pretty much everything except the iPad 2, and he was a movie bootlegging, elephant-killing A-hole. George S. Patton saved thousands of lives bringing an end to the Battle of the Bulge, yet off the battlefield he made a tidy profit selling orphans to Romanian carnivals. (*)
This may void the powertrain warranty.
Iron Man
The cast: Robert Downey Jr., Terrence Howard, Jeff Bridges, Gwyneth Paltrow
The Showcase synopsis: “When wealthy industrialist Tony Stark is forced to build an armored suit after a life-threatening incident, he ultimately decides to use its technology to fight against evil.”
The dad pun Twitter hashtag: #YouNeedMoreIronInYourDietYoungMan!
Dude, watch the movie. It’s freakin’ IRON MAN.
“Bro, don’t leave me hanging.”
Underworld: Rise of the Lycans
The cast: Michael Sheen, Bill Nighy, Rhona Mitra
The Showcase synopsis: “An origins story centered on the centuries-old feud between the race of aristocratic vampires and their onetime slaves, the Lycans.”
The dad pun Twitter hashtag: #MeLycanThisMovie!
Despite what you may have seen – or worse, read – in the Twilight series, werewolves and vampires don’t need to be moody little bitches. In fact, some of them can be downright awesome. Underworld: Rise of the Lycans proves this full well. Sure, it’s a prequel, but don’t let that scare you off. Not all prequels are as dreadful as Star Wars: The Phantom Menace. In fact, the only film worse than The Phantom Menace is The Phantom Menace. No easy feat, but that’s the uncanny thing about Lucas’ film: it’s so awful, it transcends both paradox and Socratic logic.
Also, you need to give Underworld: Rise of the Lycans props for being so ballsy, it hires crazy hot Kate Beckinsale and only uses her as an unseen narrator. Cojones! Love it.
“This is awkward, baby – I usually don’t have any problem with my Lycan rising.”