Two weekends ago, Showcase presented a pair of movies for your viewing enjoyment. Last weekend it was three movies. This weekend? Oh, I dunno… How about FOUR MOVIES! That’s right – we don’t screw around here, baby. Never forget this.
Friday, Dec. 16, 10pm, Saturday, Dec. 17, 3am – Minority Report
Saturday, Dec. 17, 1am – Hitman
Saturday, Dec. 17,12pm, 4:30pm and 10pm – Night at the Museum
Saturday, Dec. 17, 2:30pm, Sunday Dec. 18, 12:30am and 2:30am – Paul Blart: Mall Cop
Minority Report
The cast: Tom Cruise, Colin Farrell, Samantha Morton
The Showcase synopsis: “Tom Cruise stars as a Washington, D.C. detective in the year 2054. He works for a special police unit that arrests murderers before they’ve committed the actual crime.”
The non-spoiler moral of this butt-kicking flick is as such: don’t try to kill guys in the future, ‘cause when it comes to the cops preemptively thwarting your efforts, there’s an app for that.
Yep, welcome to Minority Report. Mix technology with some good old fashioned ESP and toss in some film noir for good measure. Stir, heat, then set. And voila! Spielberg at his best, Tom Cruise at his most intense, and Colin Farrell in a supporting role of all things. Brilliant. Oh, and it’s got the best robot spiders since that old Tom Selleck movie with all the robot spiders. (*)
- (*) Look it up, I’m not your errand boy.
“Higginnnnnnnns!”
Hitman
The cast: Timothy Olyphantand some other dudes
The Showcase synopsis: “Based on the top-selling, award-winning videogame franchise, the Hitman is a genetically-engineered elite assassin known as Agent 47.”
Two important things to know about Timothy Olyphant: A) He steals the show in both HBO’s Deadwood and FX’s Justified. B) His last name sounds like ‘elephant.’ Anything else about him is just filler. The O-man is also no stranger to killing people in the roles he plays, and brother, Hitman is no exception.
A word to the wise: although his Agent 47 character sports a barcode tattoo on the back of his bald head, don’t even think about yelling out something like “Price check on Billy Corgan!”
Agent 47 won’t cotton to that. And that’s what makes him awesome.
I think it’s time we address the 200-lb. Olyphant in the room.
Night at the Museum
The cast: Ben Stiller, Robin Williams, Mickey Rooney, Steve Coogan
The Showcase synopsis: “A down-on-his-luck museum security guard witnesses extraordinary things each night: Mayans, Roman Gladiators, and cowboys emerging from their dioramas to wage epic battles; Attila the Hun pillaging his neighboring exhibits, and a T-Rex reminding everyone why he's history's fiercest predator.”
Visiting a museum during daytime hours is a sucker’s game. There’s a steep ol’ admission fee, people are everywhere, and the woman’s voice on those headphone audio tour things is almost never hot. But the idea of being there after dark? Now that’s way more intriguing.
Sure, the exhibits may only come to life in clever Ben Stiller flicks, but still – having an entire freakin’ museum to yourself would still be pretty darn sweet. Whether you’re trying on 800-year-old suits of armor or playing kissy-face with oil portraits of Queen Victoria (don’t act like you haven’t fantasized about it), it’s pure, unbridled fun. And it’s educational or whatever! Not that I’m suggesting you break into your nearest museum. (*)
- (*) That’s completely, exactly what I’m suggesting.
I think it’s time we address the 2000-lb. dinosaur in the room.
Paul Blart: Mall Cop
The cast: Kevin James, Keir O'Donnell, Jayma Mays
The Showcase synopsis: “When a shopping mall is overtaken by a gang of organized crooks, it's up to a mild-mannered security guard to save the day.”
In the summer of 2009, I was in the Burlington, Massachusetts mall where they shot Paul Blart: Mall Cop. Sometimes that’s just where life spits you out, you know? Located off Route 3 and Route 128 (ladies’ choice), it’s a two-story indoor shopping complex featuring a massive food court and 170 stores. More importantly, just like in this movie, there are several mall cops, and oh yes, they drive around on Segway scooters as God intended.
I won’t lie: to me, this looked like the coolest job on the planet. For all my fancy-pants upbringing and college-boy book learning, there was a mall-sized void in my soul that summer. One that could only be filled with a tin badge, a shiny black Segway, and a sweet-ass shoulder-strapped walkie-talkie.
Someday, my friends. Someday…
Help is on the what? The ‘wall’? The ‘Wii’? Answer me!