Ladies and gentlemen, it's the season 3 finale of Burn Notice, and Jeepers H. Klingon can you cut the tension with a knife. Michael's on the run from the law (more on that in a bit) and Mama Madeleine Westen spends the episode being interrogated by the feds re: his whereabouts.

 

                   "The longer you don't cooperate, the more Ikea furniture I cram in here."

A person's mettle and resolve can be seriously tested when they're tossed in a tiny room and coerced into confession. Back in 1987, this was something my 11th grade cohorts and I knew all too well. 

You see, during gym period one early afternoon, a classmate's watch went missing. Normally this would be quite the 'so what?' scenario, but what raised the stakes was A) the victim was a preppy, spoiled brat douchebag, and B) it was a $5000 Rolex. To protect the guy's privacy, let's call him 'Gavin' (which is much nicer sounding than his real name 'Sean').

 

 I'm pretty sure he called the watch a 'timepiece.' This is the level of dick we're dealing with.

In lieu of chastising Gavin for bringing the watch to school and leaving it unattended, the faculty's higher-ups took a more measured stance: they rounded up all 22 gym class boys and stuck us in a room.

And there we sat in silence: sweaty, hungry and kinda smelly (we weren't afforded post-gym class showers). The hope was that one of us would eventually confess, or we'd turn on each other and hand over the sticky-fingered watch bandit. (*)

• (*) I'm surprised John Hughes never optioned the rights to any of this.

Did we know who stole it? We had our suspicions but kept them to ourselves. Instead, we defiantly sat in the little room, minute after minute, hour after hour. Failing to break us, the higher-ups resorted to plan B: divide and conquer.

One by one, each of us were carted into a separate interrogation room, where we sat on an uncomfortable chair across from two stern faculty members. When it was my turn in the hot seat, the exchange went like this:

INTERROGATOR: Did you steal Gavin's watch?
ME: Nope.
INTERROGATOR: Do you know who did?
ME: Nope.
INTERROGATOR: Are you sure you didn't steal it?
ME: Yeah, it's not ringing a bell.
INTERROGATOR: You can go back to the other room now.
ME: I'd love to urinate at some point.

More time passed. Realizing they were crossing the threshold from 'detaining' into 'group kidnapping,' the school let us go home. And although the perpetrator was eventually caught (some Aryan-looking French kid), it wasn't on account of the 11th grade gym class crew. The interrogators never broke us.

Why? My theory is that when innocent people are treated like criminals, they become less cooperative with authority figures and display heightened empathy toward actual criminals. So although Aryan-Looking French Kid was the one who nabbed the watch, from another perspective, we all kind of did. And given the chance, we'd likely do it again.

So suck on that, Gavin, you nouveau riche Rolex-wearing little puke-turd.

 

                               I just pulled up Aryan-looking French kid's LinkedIn profile.
                                 Personal details redacted due to honour among thieves.

BN Season 3, Episode 16: 'Devil You Know.' Okay, so spoilers ahead. I mean it: this recap boat is on a collision course to some jagged spoiler rocks, and will soon be gushing barrels of liquid spoiler all over the Spoiler Coast. So if you haven't seen the episode yet, click here to give it a looksee. (*)

• (*) Note that watching the entire episode is technically a spoiler. 

We good? Good. Okay, so fey criminal mastermind Mason Gilroy blew up spectacularly at the end of last week's episode, immolated by a raging conflagration of vehicular coolants and oxidized metal (hi, I own a thesaurus). He was double-crossed by Simon, the mystery-man psychopath he set free from that intercepted prisoner transport flight to Poland. And now Simon's on the loose, his crosshairs set on one Mr. Michael K. Westen. (*)

• (*) I have nothing to back this up, but I've always assumed Michael's middle name is Kenneth.

Authorities on every level of authoritiness (sic) are now after Mikey: everyone from the Miami PD to the FBI to (possibly) mall cops and (less possibly) pet detectives. Michael's goal? To locate Simon and take him down.

Things get particularly surreal when, during his search, he stumbles across an electronics store displaying Michael Westen video footage in the front windows.

 

                                              "Hey, 'Burn Notice' is on. I love that show!"

Inside the store is Simon, and here's the fun twist. Remember when Agent-to-the-Spies Tom Strickler gave Mikey a badass new back story earlier this season? Well, turns out the file he based that on belonged to Simon. None-too-pleased about it, Simon's placed a massive bomb in the basement of an undisclosed Miami hotel and will flip the switch if Michael doesn't set up a meeting with Management ('memba them?).

 

This leads to some dramatic drama (for my money, the best kind of drama), which includes Michael sneaking into his loft (under heavy surveillance), calling Management, setting up the meeting, and warning them Simon wants to kick their asses six ways to Saturday (they were the ones who locked him up, ya see). Oh, and then he jumps off the roof to escape.

 

                                                           "Kris Kross made me do thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis!"

Underestimating Simon's stick-to-itiveness (my dumb word, not his), Management's main man (played menacingly by Frasier's John Mahoney) gets A) his helicopter blowed up, and B) himself kidnapped. With the help of Fi and Sam, our man Westen gives chase and t-bones Simon's getaway vehicle with a sweet-ass collision.

Instead of blowing the baddie's head off, Michael reluctantly heeds Mahoney's advice and turns him over to the authorities. Simon's final words: an ominous warning that Michael will someday end up exactly like him. (*)

• (*) Mind you, Simon's the kind of guy who'd say that to end a speed dating session.

Despite being a G-darn hero, Michael gets arrested as well. The next thing we know, he's a cuffed and hooded prisoner being guided down a dark, menacing hallway. When the hood's pulled off, he finds himself not in a Gitmo-style prison cell, but rather some rich dude's antiques-laden library. Say whaaaa?

And… scene! That's a wrap on season 3, baby. Just let the mystery ending sink in. And as for what fantastico twists Burn Notice 4 has in store for us, we'll all be finding out soon enough. Sit tight!

 

                             Rest assured, it will be absolutely nothing like 'Police Academy 4.'

AfterBurn:

-- In the past four months, I've penned 16,000 words on Burn Notice. This exceeds my entire university writing output.
-- Badass Voiceover Goodness: MICHAEL (V.O.): "As a spy, you want to work with people with clear alliances. The biggest monster in the world becomes quite predictable on a government payroll. Your worst nightmare is a lone crazy person."
-- Once again, I'm writing this blog at the café down the street. Not to brag, but I really stuck the landing on this whole 'buy some tomato soup' thing.
-- Showcase's Burn Notice YogurtWatch©: Upon entering the gang's hidden weapons bunker, Sam advises Michael it isn't stocked with yogurt. As you can see below, Mikey takes the news surprisingly well.

 

                                      "Zero-fat Strawberry or the head gets it."