Citizens of Showcase! By ordinance of Lord & Lady Shaw, we decree that three (3!) action-packed films be aired on thy tele-visions this very weekend:

Friday, Dec. 9, 10pm & Saturday, Dec. 10, 10pm – Sherlock Holmes
Saturday, Dec 3, 1am & 10pm – The Mummy
Late Saturday, Dec 10,1am and 3:30am – The Bourne Supremacy

Sherlock Holmes
The cast: Robert Downey Jr., Jude Law, and Rachel McAdams.
The Showcase synopsis: “Detective Sherlock Holmes and his stalwart partner Watson engage in a battle of wits and brawn with a nemesis whose plot is a threat to all of England.”

Being a private dick is no easy life. Not just because people habitually refer to you as a ‘dick,’ but that’s as good a jumping-off point as any. Investigative work is tough at the best of times, what with the surveillance, back alley chases and myriad of unsavory nemeses. Plus, the coppers are always all like, “You keep your nose outta this one, Detective Such-and-Such! This is our case!” Buncha crybabies.

                                        Also, don’t let high-voiced mustache-man fool you:
                                              you’re almost never working out of Hawaii.
 

And when you add late 19th-century Victorian London into the mix, the Danger-o-meter is spiked into the red zone, baby. As such, Sherlock Holmes gets my undying respect: dude’s bogged down in Cockney Central bereft of palm trees, cell phone technology and adequate dentistry. That’s a triple-threat. In a threatening way, not in Hugh-Jackman-hosting-the-Oscars kinda way. But such a gritty backdrop is exactly what we the viewer need to fully soak in the awesome Holmes experience, so enjoy, guv’nah! Blimey! 

Also, Rachel McAdams is hot, so it helps to have her on board. Let us never lose sight of this.  

                     “I’m the girlfriend of the guy who wrote this article. Prove otherwise!”

The Mummy
The cast: Brendan Fraser, Rachel Weisz, and John Hannah.
The Showcase synopsis: “When adventurer Rick O'Connell and Egyptologist Evelyn Carnahan inadvertently stumble upon the tomb of priest Imhotep, the mummy is resurrected! Not since Indiana Jones has tomb-raiding been so scary, thrilling, and fun!”

Look, let’s call it like it is. Mummies are cool. They’re bandagy, they have impeccable posture, they know their way around a good curse, and when they speak it’s usually Egyptian, which drives da ladies wild. This is why their cinematic legacy has spanned a century, dating back to 1909 with France’s The Mummy of King Ramses.

                                     No publicity stills exist, so here’s an understudy photo. 

Are all mummy films awesome? Of course not – that would be ridiculous. All mummy films are COMPLETELY awesome. This stems from the fact that we, as a global culture, like our villains to be 3000-year-old undead Middle Easterns. Renaissance-era Middle Easterns? Fugheddaboudit. 3000-year-old Norsemen? Don’t even. To be the cinematic heavy we need you to be 3000 years old and Middle Eastern. This, my friend, is the temporal-geographic sweet spot.

Also, Rachel Weisz is hot, so it helps to have her on board. Let us never lose sight of this.  

                              “Watch me kick mummy ass on Showcase or the terrorists win.
                                            Well, maybe not WIN, but it’ll be a solid tie.”

The Bourne Supremacy
The cast: Matt Damon, Franka Potente, Joan Allen.
The Showcase synopsis: “When Jason Bourne is framed for a botched CIA operation he is forced to take up his former life as a trained assassin to survive.”

Psychogenic amnesia in film is a different animal than its television comedy counterpart. In the latter, an even number of blows to the head brings your memory back to its original state. An odd number of blows and it’s all, “Who are you and why are you in my hammock?!”

                          This is particularly true in cases of Falling Coconut-based Amnesia. 

For super-spy Jason Bourne, amnesia brings about a series of occupational hazards, each more intricate and sequelly than the last. You see, although the CIA offers a highly competitive employee benefits program, its coverage seems a touch lacking for those with erased memories. Perhaps it’s a cost-saving measure. Or maybe Jason’s simply been directed to the wrong HMO.

Either way, having a lack of, you know, a past, does make for a fascinating movie franchise. Especially when folks keep chasing you around, grilling you for the location of files and micro-fiches and whatnot. On the downside, you can say goodbye to writing any more hotel and restaurant reviews on Yelp.com. “Hey Jason, how was your stay in Punta Cana last year?” “I, uh, don’t remember… Shit, I don’t REMEMBERRRRRRRRR!”

                                   Also, Matt Damon is ho— okay, you get the idea.