In this week’s BN episode – and a couple before this one – Michael Westen tries to bring down a sociopath named Mason Gilroy. His rationale being that if somebody doesn’t step in and put a halt to the evil SOB, he’ll eventually make the world a much worse place. This is exactly the kind of thinking that helped end Zack & Cody’s years-long reign of terror.

                                        Life ain't so 'suite' now, is it boys?

In late October of 1995, I found myself having to take down a sociopath of my own. A guy named Brent responded to a ‘Roommate Wanted – North York, Ontario’ ad I’d placed. And despite the warning signs (his multiple piercings, those weird tattoos, a desire to live in North York), I gave him the go-ahead. He immediately showed his appreciation by stealing a bunch of my CDs and stiffing me on a month’s rent. (*)

• (*) One of those CDs was Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness by the Smashing Pumpkins. Not cool, man.

After he went AWOL, I did what any badass leather jacket-wearing 24 year old would do. I called his parents and told on him. To their credit, they were quite apologetic, explaining this was a pattern of his and that I was simply his latest victim. “Brent doesn’t feel remorse for the things he does,” they explained. “So, he’s a sociopath?” I asked. Their decision not to answer me was all the answer I needed. (*)

• (*) So uh, the answer is “Yeah, he’s a sociopath.” Not sure if I was being too coy there.  
  

                           Early November, 1995. Admire my jacket or I’ll freakin’ tell on you.

I uncovered a ‘little black book’ Brent accidentally left behind and began calling some of the phone numbers. Eventually, I came across one of his exes who happened to know where he was. She was also rather nonplussed about the laundry list of things he recently did to make her life miserable. Stuff a lot more upsetting than the ‘Theft Under $5000’ charge I was ready to pin on him.

She and I came to the conclusion this would keep happening to other people if we didn’t join forces, tip off the cops to his whereabouts and get him tossed in a very unpleasant downtown jail. As such, we joined forces, tipped off the cops off to his whereabouts and got him tossed in a very unpleasant downtown jail. (*)

• (*) Admittedly, our plan didn’t change much from concept to execution. 
  

Here’s a fun factoid about sociopaths: just because they don’t feel remorse doesn’t mean some of them don’t experience the occasional bout of abject fear. This was made clear from the police update we received, stating ol’ Brent was spending much of his jail time cowering in his cell like a not-so-paper-trained Labradoodle.

Seriously though, dude: when it’s the mid-1990s and you steal a man’s Smashing Pumpkins CD, that’s how shit’s gonna go down.

                                                    "Save me, Steven!"

BN Season 3, Episode 12: ‘Noble Causes.’ So we open on a My Dinner with Andre scenario featuring Michael (still pretending to be a bad guy) and International Sociopath of Mystery, Mason Gilroy. They’re kvetching about an upcoming caper. Step one: nab some documents from an embassy. Why? It’s on a need-to-know basis, baby – we’ll find out in a future episode, I’m sure. Oh, and helping Michael is an associate of Gilroy’s: a giant, brutish brutey-brute named Claude. Claude isn’t a man of few words – he’s a man of few syllables. He doesn’t suffer fools gladly – he kills fools gladly… (*)

• (*) I have 23 more of these. 
  

Back to that in a bit though, ‘cause it’s case-of-the-week time. And we’ve got ourselves an awesome blast from the past courtesy of Michael’s former downstairs neighbour: a peroxide blonde drug dealer named Sugar. I say ‘former’ neighbour because in the Burn Notice pilot, Michael shoots him in the leg for being a skeezy douchebag.

                      “They call me ‘Sugar’ because I’m so swe— f*ck, my LEG!”

Anyhow, Sugar’s back in da hood because he needs a hefty dose of Michael’s mad skillz. His mentally challenged cousin Dougie has fallen in with a Miami heist crew that’s been taking advantage of his sweet-as-pie disposition. Likely due to the fact that as an employee of a flower delivery service, Dougie has access to a van and a bunch of other useful stuff they need to pull off a well-orchestrated art heist. (*)

• (*) BTW, art heists are guaranteed chick magnets: the classiness offsets the whole ‘felony’ thing.

Ah, but Mikey soon discovers the art theft was a red herring. Turns out the Heist Crew actually has its sights on knocking off an armored car, and poor Dougie’s going to be a lynchpin (read: pawn) in their plan. Fortunately, Mike and the gang pull the nice young dude out of harm’s way and deal with the bad guys courtesy of measured negotiations and low-key diplomacy. (*)

• (*) I’m kidding, of course – they blow a bunch of shit up.

            “I’m starting to be persuaded by your thoughtful arguments, Mr. Westen.”

Meanwhile, Michael still needs to help Claude with the embassy break-in. Mind you, to fully infiltrate Gilroy’s operation, he wants the not-so-gentle giant taken out of the picture. Fun factoid 2: Claude’s a professional building climber, and while half-way up the side of the embassy, his hand slips on a greasy pole (easy there), causing the rest of him to plummet to the ground. Crazy coincidence. Hmm, wonder who could have caused that to happen? (*)

• (*) It was Michael. Not sure if I’m being too coy again. (*)

• (*) Michael WESTEN. Just to be extra clear.

AfterBurn:

-- Badass Voiceover Goodness: MICHAEL (V.O.): “Microwaves are one of the most dangerous appliances in the home to repair or modify, but in a pinch, You can use their extreme high voltage to your advantage. Remove a microwave's surge inhibitor, mix in some reactive household cleaning supplies, pressurized cans and a fistful of silverware. Do it right and you have the makings of a very big boom. And to save time, just press ‘popcorn.’”
-- Showcase’s Burn Notice YogurtWatch©: Michael takes a yogurt from the fridge and totally eats it. Dude, the whole thing was so hardcore. You don’t even know.
-- While consulting the IMDB to confirm the spelling of Dougie’s name, I came across their list of SEO keywords for this episode: “Nitrogen, Explosion, Olive Oil, Bikini, Fall From Height, Jaws Of Life, Pretending To Be Drunk, Shot Multiple Times, Clip-On Necktie, Overbearing Mother.” Sounds about right. Bring on the web traffic!
-- I’m writing this blog in a coffee shop. The TV just flashed a news headline that read, ‘Doctor ordered to avoid Shania Twain.’ Lucky doctor.