This week’s BN episode sees Michael Westen agreeing – out of obligation – to work for a morally questionably guy with delusions of grandeur. Something we as viewers may not relate to on a spy level; but such arrangements take place in the real world pretty darn regularly. A personal example: in early 1999, a broke, younger version of me Forrest Gumped his way into a human resources job at a major Canadian insurance company. One that out of professional courtesy will remain nameless. (*)

•  (*) Actually, f*ck that: it was Sun Life Financial.

 

                    Our logo is a molten lava ball with piercing carnage-spikes.

 

The pay was loooooooow, but I couldn’t complain to HR because it’d sorta be akin to leaving myself a voicemail. Anyhow, first day of orientation, we new recruits were given a tour of the company’s head office: a towering skyscraper in downtown Toronto. At first we assumed the point was to get us acquainted with the building’s fire exits and assortment of WHMIS kits. Not so much. It was all about hitting us with the razzle dazzle!

Case in point: the final stop on the tour was a massive penthouse boardroom, replete with ultra-expensive, well, everything. Enough Bourgeois-plated stuff to make Gordon Gecko blush. Mind you, the boardroom itself wasn’t what made me question the company’s emotional IQ and sanity. The issue was on the other side of the defenestration-proof glass.

The tour guide lady chimed in. “Now, if we can all look out the window, you’ll notice the unobstructed view of beautiful Lake Ontario,” she said, referring to our shitty lake. “A glorious sight, we can all agree. And to ensure our boardroom always maintains this perfect view, Sun Life took a little initiative a while back.”

“What kind of initiative?” I asked, feigning the will to live. 

“Well, you see that small building between us and the lake?” she said smugly. “Sun Life doesn’t own it, but we did spend over a million dollars to purchase the negative space above it. That way, they can never block our view by building it higher!”

So to recap: why is Sun Life kinda like a crazy Burn Notice bad guy? Mostly because it likes to spend obscene money buying up empty sky to prevent things that won’t happen from happening, then gloat about it to broke-ass entry-level employees. I have to admit: as fetishes go, this one’s pretty specific. (*)

• (*) I lasted three and a half weeks at this job. 
  

 

        Hey, remember the time that office building suddenly added 30 extra storeys to itself?
           Oh wait, I forgot: that’s never happened anywhere ever in the history of anything. 

 

BN Season 3, Episode 11: ‘Friendly Fire.’ FADE IN. EXT. POOLSIDE -- DAY. As bikini-clad gals mill about, Michael gets a little face-to-face time with Mason Gilroy. You know, the charming, debonair sociopath who crawled out of the woodwork after agent-to-the-spies Tom Strickler done got his torso all Swiss cheesy with bullet holes. Gilroy, under the illusion Mikey is as corrupt as his burn notice file says, wants them to join forces. You know, for evil and whatnot. More on this later.

Over at Maddie’s place, an old SEAL pal of Sam’s named Mack pops by for help. He’s been working with the cops to track down a pedophile named Rincon who’s now holed up in a Latin section of Miami. After punching Mack multiple times in various body parts (the guy married Sam’s wife after she divorced him – quid pro quo), Sam agrees to help. And Michael agrees to dress up. Specifically as an ultra-intimidating, devilish suit-wearing mystery man who speaks in a Clint Eastwood-esque whisper. (*)

• (*) “¿Es usted que siente afortunado, punk?”

See, it takes a character like that to get the attention of the gang boss running the area where Rincon is hiding out. The gang boss in question: a dude named Omar, who to his credit is kind of a Robin Hood-style hood in da hood; one who’s hell-bent on keeping families safe from a nasty rival boss (played by resident ‘Scariest Man on the Planet,’ Danny Trejo).

I’ll cut to the chase: through a series of well-timed Fiona-inspired explosions (my favourite kind), Michael’s Mystery Man character blackmails Omar into tracking down Pedophile Rincon. One wrench in the plan, however. Rincon turns out to be on Danny Trejo’s payroll, and neither of them feels like going down without a fight. Ugh. Why are bad guys such dicks all the time?

 

 

                             “Bro, blowing me up would be very un-bro of you!”

 

To keep the peace, Omar surrenders his control of the hood to Trejo, then delivers him a handcuffed Mystery Man Michael. Bleak stuff indeed. Except that Omar had teamed up with Mikey and the gang earlier that afternoon. All secrety-like. Their strategy? Kick some ass. (*)

• (*) Well, more of a mission statement. But still.

And some ass they kick. Trejo gets nabbed, things get blown up, and Pedophile Rincon gets respectively pummeled and handed over to the authorities. Plus, Sam buries the hatchet with Mack (figuratively) and calls a mulligan on his years-old Bro Code violation. A generous move, since there’s no statute of limitations on Bro Code violations. (*)

• (*) As per the landmark 1954 Supreme Court decision ‘Bro v. the Board of Education.’ 

Normally in Burn Notice, that’s as intimate as things get. But not today. Because two things take place in the episode’s final five minutes. 1) Crazy Gilroy confirms he wants to hire Michael, which our hero accepts so he can infiltrate the sociopath’s network and bring him down. And 2) Michael and Fiona TOTALLY DO IT! After two and two-thirds seasons of sexual tension, the former couple re-teams in a hotel room for a little ‘bow-chicka-BOW-wow’ (the internationally-accepted leitmotif for ‘sex’). This, my friends, should make for an interesting new dynamic in episodes to come. (*)

• (*) Until now, Screech from Saved by the Bell has literally gotten more action than Michael Westen.

 

                                                      bow-chicka-BOW-wow.

 

AfterBurn:

-- Badass Voiceover Goodness: MICHAEL (V.O.): “Rubber composite bullets fired from a suppressed rifle won't kill your enemy. But it will make them think twice about staying in a fight.”
-- I loves me a good Sam Axe alcohol joke:
MADDIE: “I’m worried about Sam. He's not himself. The drinking...”
MACK: “Well, Sam's always liked his beer.”
MADDIE: “He's not drinking is what I'm saying.”
-- Showcase’s Burn Notice YogurtWatch©: Our Man Westen falls victim to Sam and Fiona’s well-orchestrated yogurt heist.  Just as Michael’s about to dig into a cup of the good stuff, Sam calls. The moment he grabs the phone, Fi swoops in and goes spoon deep into the yogurt. Textbook execution – Mikey didn’t stand a chance.  
-- Michael and Fiona TOTALLY DO IT.