In this week’s awesome BN episode, Fiona Glenanne is still pretty darn incapacitated after being shot and nearly drowned a few days earlier. Yet like a true pro, she eventually manages to get up, do her job and TCB. (*)

• (*) Which stands for ‘take care of business,’ for those not familiar with acronyms or BTO. (*)

• (*) Bachman-Turner Overdrive. Jesus, get in the game, man.

Rising to the occasion despite physical adversity is no easy feat; something I once discovered firsthand as a 20-year-old McMaster University student. As the vocalist of a freshly-assembled alt-rock band, I was gearing up for our first gig: a Thursday night talent competition at the campus bar.

Unfortunately, I made out with a girl from school and caught mono. Rock lesson #1: never kiss girls. And this wasn’t just any kind of mono. It was bizarro mono. Instead of napping 20 hours a day, my aches, fever and intense sore throat thwarted me from sleeping or eating. By the night of the big talent show, I’d been awake for five days straight and my weight was down to 140 lbs. Which, given my wavy long hair and distinguished cheekbones, made me look like a girl. Below: my grad photo, taken two weeks later.   

                  Which one of these gals is a dude? The answer may surprise you.

Nonetheless, in front of a packed house, I managed to stay vertical, keep my raw vocal chords in check, and muster up the inner strength to belt out two rocking numbers with everything I had. (*)

• (*) Full disclosure: I also sang a couple of lines from a K.D. Lang song to butter up the lesbian judge. I’m not entirely proud of this.

That night, we owned the audience, the judges and the competition. All because of my ability to pull a Fiona Glenanne and rise above some pretty extreme physical discomfort. Did we win the talent competition? You bet your ass, muchacho.

And by that I mean we came in third place. The second place contestant was a cheesy magician who made a rather tasteless joke about ailing basketball icon Magic Johnson (that kinda humour played well in Hamilton circa 1992). And the grand prize winner? A student whose act consisted of balancing a full-sized Mr. Turtle children’s swimming pool on his chin.

I learned an important lesson that night. Although people love an inspiring story of pushing one’s mind and body to their absolute limit, they have infinite more admiration for a guy sticking a large, blue-green plastic tub on his GDMF face. (*)

• (*) Best I don’t spell out that acronym.

        In my fantasy, the guy is subsequently taken to the woods and devoured by bears.

BN Season 3, Episode 10: ‘A Dark Road.’ So with Michael’s former ‘agent’ Tom Strickler having gingerly passed along this mortal coil (read: annihilated via several bullets to the chest), Mr. Westen needs to keep working to pay the bills. Yogurt ain’t free, and two-storey lofts ain’t cheap (even cheap two-storey lofts).

Fortunately, Michael gets a gig working for Fiona, who, as noted, is still healing her Irish self up. Her client: a widow being forced by a sleazy insurance scammer to file a wrongful death suit against the city of Miami (her hubby kicked it in an auto collision con gone bad). Naturally, when the money eventually comes her way, Scammer Dude will take all the dough and her tow-headed kid won’t get pushed down a flight of stairs. Win-win, if you think about it. Also, the widow’s kinda hot. Not integral to the story, but worth mentioning. (*)

• (*) What’s the appropriate wait time before hitting on a hot widow? Is the ride back from the funeral too soon?

So, we’ve got a two-pronged approach to Operation Hot Widow. Prong one: taking on the role of a tank top-sporting redneck, Michael infiltrates Scammer Dude’s operation, which is actually run by his dad, Scammer Dude Sr. And after a little convincing (which includes shaking down a bunch of biker mechanics for 10k via an acetylene torch), Michael gets hired as their newest ‘car accident-causer.’

This goes quite swimmingly until Scammer Dude Jr., now jealous of Mikey’s new-found Golden Boy status in the family bidness, decides to showboat. How? By running a dangerous scam that involves a small car being pushed into a big ol’ train. My money’s on the car – you’ve got moxie, kid!

More on that later though. In the meantime, prong two of Operation Hot Widow has Michael asking mama Maddie Westen for a solid. To get info on a slimy doctor who’s been fudging insurance forms for Scammer Dude Jr., he needs her to befriend the woman in charge of medical files at the city records office. Maddie being the perfect choice because they’re both in their 60s, dress alike and kinda look the same. Oh, and together, they’re also Cagney and freakin’ Lacey! That’s right, can I get a Tyne Daly cameo up in this?! Woot woot! This is easily the best TV stunt casting since David Bowie played Urkel’s estranged father in that very special Family Matters episode. (*)

• (*) This may have never happened. But if not, it would’ve had nothing to do with Urkel being black and Bowie being white, you racist.

One problem though. Although the reunited dynamic duo doesn’t travel back to the ‘80s and join the police force, they do become fast friends. Which becomes awkward when Michael, in need of more medical records to bring down Scammer Dude Jr., gets Madeline to blackmail her new pal. Poor, poor Lacey. Or, uh, Cagney.

                                         Left: fighting crime. Right: fighting time.

Anyhow, with the incriminating records in hand, Michael, Sam and Fiona a) stop Scammer Dude Jr.’s train hi-jinx, b) make him the victim of his very own ‘crash into a city-owned vehicle’ kinda accident, then c) report him to the authorities. This is the second BN episode in a row that ends with Mike and the Gang telling on the bad guys. I honestly dig it. Details Magazine says “telling on bad guys is the new ‘shooting them in the face.’” [citation needed]

With Operation Hot Widow in the books, Mikey has another worry to, uh, worry about. The worry’s name is Gilroy, and since Strickler’s death, he’s been introducing himself to Mr. Westen in a myriad of subtle ways (shooting at him from afar, torching 600-threadcount sheets, the list goes on). The two of them aren’t having a nice sitdown chat until next week’s episode, mind you. So hang tight, compadres. (*)

• (*) Seriously, I lost to a guy who balanced a f*cking kiddie pool on his face?

AfterBurn:

-- Badass Voiceover Goodness: MICHAEL (V.O.): “In the world of espionage, there are a lot of ways to introduce yourself. Whatever the method, that first contact tells you a lot about a person. Especially when that person introduces themselves by fire-bombing a hotel room.”
-- Showcase’s Burn Notice YogurtWatch©: Two cups of yogurt for Mikey this week. The second one being a companion piece to a cold, delicious bottle of ultra-low-calorie Miller Genuine Draft 64! Say what you want about television show product placement, but an MGD 64 Yogurt Smoothie© is a good idea whose time is now.
-- My impressionistic analysis: Cagney & Lacey 2012 needs to happen. As either a movie, TV show, or high-fibre cereal. Pick your poison.