Like most of you, the first time I had sushi was at the Sawgrass Mills Outlet Mall in South Florida. Nestled up against the Everglades – the backdrop for this week’s BN episode – it’s one of the largest shopping plazas in the US, covering nearly two-and-a-half million square feet. Although this amount of retail space makes for a menacing-sized building, what’s arguably more menacing is the fact it’s kinda shaped like a giant f**king alligator.
I’ll concede that having entered the belly of this beast doesn’t necessarily make me braver than the national average (it does). But it certainly shines light on a larger issue: the Florida Everglades are daunting, mysterious and not for the faint of heart. Whether you’re waist-deep in swampland warding off deadly sub-tropical predators, or courageously tackling your inaugural spicy salmon tempura roll, you’re entering the geographic abyss, not unlike Magellan, Cortez or those guys in The Abyss.
So yes, perhaps my “dashing adventurousness” (your words, not mine) while in this region puts me in an elite class of super-explorer; one that prohibits me from knowing the meaning of the word ‘danger.’ (*)
- (*) Or the spelling, making me a potential Scrabble liability.
However, my indomitable bravery aside, I will always maintain a humble reverence for the Everglades. Pressed firmly against the base of Florida’s foreskin, they command our undivided attention like a jittery mohel at a nephew’s bris. (*) Allow us to never forget this.
- (*) My cousin’s a mohel, thus giving me the inalienable right to circumcision references.
Okay, chop chop! Let’s cut to the meat of this, shall we? (thanks, cousin) Welcome to BN Season 3, episode 6: ‘The Hunter.’
It’s a beautiful Miami kinda day in Miami when Michael Westen receives an anonymous-yet-awesome Miami gift basket at his Miami front door (more on this in the AfterBurn). Skeptical, Mike meets up with this secret admirer, who turns out to be Tom Strickler, a sort of agent for under-the-radar spies. Strickler offers to pimp out our man Westen as a mercenary-for-hire. And by ensuring Michael receives regular gigs and a steady paycheque, ol’ Tom is clearly the Bizarro Universe version of my agent.
To show he’s on the up-and-up, Strickler warns that one of Michael’s former nemeses (‘nemesi’? ‘nemesises?’) is heading to Miami from Ukraine to even an old score. “Even an old score” being a Ukrainian expression meaning “Shoot Michael Westen in the face.” Michael take the warning to heart, and on the advice of Fiona pays a visit to a big badass brutha named Beck. Although not in possession of two turntables and a microphone, Beck is certainly ‘where it’s at’ as one of Miami’s biggest underworld dudes – specifically one who has regular dealings with seedy Eastern Europeans.
Alas, shortly after Beck refuses to help Michael track down the identity of the guy gunning for him, the subject becomes moot. Mostly on account of some Ukrainian paramilitary fellas crashing the party, weapons and testosterone a-blazing. When the smoke clears (I mean this literally, the former Iron Curtain goons toss explosive smoke canisters), Michael and Beck are tasered and dumped inside a truck en route to the lair of his mystery captor. His name is Piotr Chechik – a.k.a. the guy none-too-pleased about Michael getting him locked up for war crimes a good decade earlier. War criminals are a notoriously grudgy bunch. Just ask Rachael Ray. (*)
- (*) Possibly not a war criminal; that’s for history to decide.
Courtesy of the long, boring drive to see Chechik, Michael’s able to take advantage of the henchmen nodding off. Mostly by kicking their asses six ways to Субота (Ukrainian for ‘Saturday’). Michael and Beck jump off the moving truck and dart into a wee stretch of croc-infested wetland known as, yep, the Florida Everglades. Note that had they escaped closer to the Sawgrass Mills Outlet Mall, they could have comfortably hid inside the Bed Bath & Beyond.
The henchmen give chase into the aforementioned Everglades, and the episode turns into a game of cat and mouse through sloughs, cypress swamps, estuarine mangroves and several other ecological terms you’ll need to Wikipedia. Realizing they’re being outmaneuvered, the henchies eventually do exactly what Michael’s been hoping: they call in Chechik (spoiler alert: he’s a real so-and-so, this guy!).
Back in Miami, Sam and Fiona pay a visit to Strickler and convince our talent agent pal to help them hone in on whoever’s nabbed Michael. He leads them to the shady pilot who illegally flew Chechik into the US. Needless to say, after getting A) a handgun pointed at his junk and B) interrogated by Madeline Westen (!) while tied to a chair, Pilot-Dude forks over a set of coordinates PDQ, thank you very much and goodnight.
Sam and Fi arrive in time to help Michael put away Chechik, who’s kinda pissed about not getting to exact his diabolical Cold War-style revenge. Sorry Chechik: the Everglades are an unforgiving mistress; one that responds best to the gentle touch of men like Michael Westen (and, as established earlier, myself).
Once back on terra firma, Michael has a follow-up meeting with Strickler. Despite ol’ Tom offering him an impossibly large wad of cash for his services (I really freakin’ hope my agent’s reading this), Mike turns down his representation. Is this the last we’ll see of Strickler? Time will tell, compadres... Time will tell... (*)
AfterBurn:
-- Badass Voiceover Goodness: MICHAEL (V.O.): “Military units are a lot like marching bands: take out the guy conducting the operation and you'll throw everyone out of sync. Pretty soon all you have left is sound and fury.”
-- Strickler looks like my agent too. Kinda feel that needs to be mentioned.
-- Fiona masters the subtle art of courtship in this episode:
PILOT-DUDE: “What’s a sweet little girl like you doing in a big bad bar like this?”
FIONA: “I'm looking for a big bad man. Like you.” (cocks the gun tucked into the front of his pants) “Come with me or say goodbye to your two closest friends.”
-- Showcase’s Burn Notice YogurtWatch©: Strickler, having obviously seen an episode or two of Burn Notice, is considerate enough to send Michael a massive gift basket of delicious Brenner’s fat-free yogurt. I wonder if he reps writers?
Burn Notice airs Tuesdays at 10pm ET/PT on Showcase. Catch up on missed episodes in our video centre!