This week’s BN episode is about heists. Specifically how they can go woefully wrong. I know this from personal experience. At 21 years old, I was a summer student at the University of Montreal. The end-of-semester French exam was looming, and four of us were on the bubble grades-wise. So we hunkered down and studied our asses off.

I’m kidding, of course; we decided to steal the exam. Via an elaborate heist, naturally. So one afternoon during lunch break, we made our way down to the teachers’ floor. One of us kept the elevator doors open. Another was on hallway lookout. My job was to distract the woman at the service desk with small talk (not so easy in French, mes amis). And being the least likely to draw attention to himself, my 6’9” pal Kyle ventured into the assignment room and nabbed the exam paper.

The coast clear, we bee-lined to the library, photocopied the papers, then darted back to the teachers’ floor, each of us assuming our previously-assigned posts. The exam was returned, the duplicates were ours, the heist a success.

One glitch: we stole the wrong thing and some of us failed the course.

Looking back, it’s clear the universe was teaching us a lesson about ethics and the value of honesty and hard work. I get it now: if we’d honestly worked harder at scoping out the assignment room, we’d have nabbed the right exam. Message received, universe; thanks for making me a better person.

Season 3, episode 4: ‘Fearless Leader.’ You’d think getting some tail from gorgeous Maxim-esque Detective Paxson would be a good way to start the week. Alas, not when it’s a 24/7 police tail. And given Michael Westen’s line of work, being followed ad nauseum by a marked cruiser is a bit of an occupational hazard. Mike’s solution? Prove to Ms. Paxson he’s actually one of the good guys, with the hope she’ll lay off for a while.

The plan is simple: nab the guy she’s been tailing for the past eight months. Specifically, a murderous scumbag named Rick Matheson. He makes his living ripping off drug dealers. That’s right: poor, hardworking drug dealers. Have you no sense of decency, sir? At long last, have you left no sense of decency?

To bring down Matheson, Mike and the gang need to infiltrate his organization. No easy feat, but they get an ‘in’ courtesy of a middle-aged crony named Tommy (played by NYPD Blue’s Nicholas Turturro, mercifully sans mustache!). Posing as Milo, a rough around the edges ex-con, Michael earns Tommy’s trust. And with the help of Fi and Sam (also in character as Jersey thugs), the four of them knock over a dry cleaner (don’t worry, Fi later mails the dough back to the hapless owner). Personally, I would have nicked the equipment in lieu of the cash register. Primo martinizing from home, sukkaz! Whoo!

Anyhow, the nearly botched dry cleaner mini-heist is proof enough to Tommy that Michael’s on the up and up. So when Mikey says he and his crew need to be in on a bigger job, Tommy brings them to Matheson. Bingo!

Matheson lets the gang into his inner circle, but the honeymoon is short-lived when he gives them the ‘suicide mission’ role in his upcoming heist: be machine gun fodder in front the meth lab he’s going to rob.

Tommy, who’s actually a pretty sweet dude, doesn’t want Michael (a.k.a. Milo) killed, so he tried to pull him from the job. Mike comes clean and fesses up to being, well, Michael Westen. He explains he’s gunning for Matheson and needs Tommy’s help to bring him down.

Heist time! Matheson, a couple of his goons, Tommy, Mike, Sam and Fi reach their target. And when the meth lab’s counter-goons come out guns a blazing, Fi lays out some well-placed explosives to make them think long and hard about their vocational choices (my high school guidance counselor employed a similar tactic back in the day). Oh, and Mike Krazy Glues (!) Matheson into the meth lab, as Tommy blocks the only other exit with his cool A-Team van. One bad guy signed, sealed and delivered to Detective Paxson.

Epilogue. Paxson realizes Michael was the one who nabbed her criminal, and the two of them reach a detente: she’s going to leave him be for a while. There’s some ambivalence here: I’m happy Mike’s now free from a) the folks that burned him, and now b) the Miami PD. On the negative: does this mean Paxson’s role on BN has come to an end? Hopefully not, lest I begin crying like Taylor Swift at the Country Music Awards. (*)

• (*) I’m assuming Taylor Swift cries at the CMAs. 

AfterBurn
-- The B-story sees Sam audited by a thirty-something IRS agent whose mom he used to date back in the 1970s. And let’s just say the nerdy little accountant’s out for blood.
IRS GUY: (dangles a gun from his pencil) “And then there’s this…”
SAM: “Well, you wanted documentation of my trip to the Middle East. That's it: the gun. I got it off this guy that was... in this group we were targeting.” 
IRS GUY: “Ah, so you stole it.” 
SAM: “Oh I didn't steal it. He was... done with it.” 
IRS GUY:” So it was a gift.” 
SAM: “It's not a gift. There was this thing, and then... the gun didn't have an owner anymore.” 
-- I just had a flashback to Nicholas Turturro on NYPD Blue. You know who played his dad on the series? Luis Guzmán. Them dudes is the same age!  
-- Showcase’s Burn Notice YogurtWatch©: There was no yogurt in this episode. Maybe they went over budget?  

Burn Notice airs Tuesdays at 10pm ET/PT on Showcase. Catch up on missed episodes in our video centre!