I wrote last week’s Burn Notice blog in the lobby of a three-star (read: two-star) hotel in Paris, France. I was in a foul mood, my iPhone having been pinched by a dastardly Euro-thief a couple of hours earlier (travel tip: tucking a cell phone under your crotch while napping means nothing to these people).
A few hours after penning said blog, I was visiting the Louvre, home of the Mona Lisa (definitely), the Venus de Milo (probably) and Elton John’s red and black jacket from the Nikita video (this may have been moved to the nearby Hard Rock Café).
Yet despite being surrounded by some of history’s greatest artistic achievements, only two things occupied my brain: Burn Notice and my missing f**king iPhone. “Michael Westen would’ve never had his cell stolen,” I grumbled to myself while shuffling past something vaguely Monet-looking. “Where did I go wrong?”
A hard lesson was learned that day: writing a weekly blog about a vigilant super-spy doesn’t automatically give you the tactical mental acuity of a vigilant super-spy. At least not immediately. Hindsight is 20/20, but given the chance, I’d love to travel back to last week and bestow some tailor-made badass Mikey Westen voiceover wisdom unto the slightly younger me. Something along the lines of:
“When travelling in a foreign country, concealment of valuables is key. There was a time when placing a phone in your Greater Crotch Area would have been an effective deterrent. That time was pre-9/11. Nowadays, you need to live by these six words: Bruce Willis’ watch from Pulp Fiction.”
Again, lesson learned. And a personal message to my iPhone thief: delete my Angry Birds high scores and I will end you.
Okay, amigos – let’s talk season 3, episode 3: ‘End Run.’ Everyone needs a lovable screw-up younger brother named Nate, and Michael Westen is no exception. So when baby bro pays a visit from Vegas to meet with an investor for his fledgling limousine business, things get interesting fast. First, the increasingly uber-sexy Detective Paxson delivers Natey straight to Michael’s door, having unsuccessfully attempted to make him spill the beans on older bro’s personal affairs. So to keep the Divine Ms. P. and her Miami PD cronies at bay a while longer, Michael, Sam and Fiona opt to get them in hot water with the mayor’s office via some playful bank account antics.
Secondly, unbeknownst to Nate, the ‘investor’ he’s meeting is none other than Tyler Brennan, an old arms dealer rival of Mike’s circa BN season 2. And let’s just say T-Brenn ain’t actually all that interested in limos. Which is why the following day, he lets our spy friend know that Nate is the patsy in a faux business meeting with his associate, who’s going to make things not so good for the young lad if Mike doesn’t do exactly what he’s told.
You see, T-Brenn understands basic human nature: even spies have a soft spot for their families. Which is why he spends the rest of the episode having our hero carry out a complicated heist to steal a military-grade biometric weapons lock (because let’s face it, non-biometric weapons locks are seriously bullshit). Do it successfully and Nate gets to live. Screw it up and it’s Nate served on a plate to the Pearly Gates (my words, not his, you’ll be relieved to know).
Michael jumps through his various hoops like a pro, which involve a delightful turn posing as a drunken, accident-prone janitor with a penchant for bleeding. And speaking of blood, when T-Brenn shoots Nate in the arm to re-establish himself as alpha-dog in Operation Steal the Thing, our man Westen decides enough is enough. He gets Sam and Fi to blow up T-Brenn’s house and drain his UK bank account (well, not really, but they do a good job of pretending).
Then the pièce de résistance: Mike says that if anything happens to him or Nate, he’s got a hit-man ready to take out T-Brenn’s young daughter Annabelle. It’s a hell of a bluff – and a stone cold one at that – but the bad guy nabs the bait and skulks off with his phone between his legs (callback alert!). If you’re to take anything away from their confrontation, it’s this: never, ever procreate.
Oh, and just to make me a happy man, Detective Paxson returns in the final scene. And let’s just say she’s rather ticked at Michael’s recent wisenheimer shenanigans with the mayor’s office (likely because they got her partner suspended). Her new vow: if Michael can play dirty, so can she. I choose to take that statement literally. On account of her hotness.
AfterBurn:
-- Badass voiceover goodness: MICHAEL (V.O.): “A tire iron is great if you need a new tire. It’s also great if you need a new car.”
-- As always, Fiona is da bomb. MICHAEL: “Does Fi have any C-4?” SAM: “Well, it's Fi, Mike. You gotta ask?”
-- Sam’s having to live with Michael’s mom until he fixes the front room he blew up in the season 2 finale. I’m not convinced the punishment fits the crime. Stay strong, Sam Axe. Stay strong.
-- Showcase’s
Burn Notice YogurtWatch©: The first several frames of this week’s episode are of Michael enjoying a heaping taste of Brenner’s Fat-Free Yogurt (blueberry again – oi). Fast-forward to the epilogue and Fiona’s spoon-deep in a cup of her own. I reckon they could both land a Jared Fogle/Subway-esque kinda spokesperson deal: “On the Brenner’s Yogurt Diet, we became buff, badass combat and weapons experts in six months. And so can you!” (*)
Burn Notice airs Tuesdays at 10pm ET/PT on Showcase. Catch up on missed episodes in our video centre!