In today’s complicated world, being “cool” takes a lot more than piercing your nipples and combing Vaseline through your hair.  You’ve got to Twitter.  But what to Twitter?  Most people have a first tweet that reads something like:

“Trying to figure out this Twitter thing :P”

Or:

“Hello? Not sure what I’m doing!”

Or:

“No one will ever have sex with me ever again after this abomination of a first Twitter post.”

It’s a real peccadillo, that is one thing that is as certain as this sentence is awkwardly worded.  But who can we turn to?  Who can save us from this humiliating social malfeasance?  Celebrities, that’s who.  While they can’t just Twitter for us (I wish!), by studying their feeds we can learn all we need to ensure a safe and successful launch into the Twittersphere.

Exhibit A: Mandy Moore




This is textbook Mandy: zero useful information, three pieces of irritating punctuation (!!, :), xo) and one mention of soup.  And yet Mandy has 453,314 followers.  You know why?  She’s hot.

Lesson learned: Be hot.

Exhibit B: Carrot Top

While 99% of his tweets are far, far too offensive to reproduce here, it’s worth the read for gems like this one:




And they say the man is nothing without his props.

Exhibit C: Kary Perry




Why doesn’t she just tell God herself, you’re wondering?  Because she’s too busy, dammit, so just pass along her second-hand prayers and be grateful she finds the time to Twitter.
 
Exhibit D: Carlos Mencia

Carlos Mencia looks at the world through rose coloured glasses.  He is not bothered that Joe Rogan has become a folk hero for publicly humiliating him and posting it on the internet.  He embraces his joke-thieving reputation and his ‘Men-stealia’ nickname, dismissing it as playful teasing by his good friends on the comedy club circuit.

But why?  What is it that Carlos knows that enables him to waltz through the running joke that is his stand-up career, blissfully unaware of the haters?  How does he stay so grounded?

That’s right.  We live in a world where Cleveland, Ohio could be home to a basketball dynasty.  Kind of puts things in perspective, doesn’t it?

Have a great weekend – and go Cavs,
Reggie.