It’s been a week and change since Billy Bob Thornton took a swan dive into Dick-Head Lake.  While I would never defend such pretentious petulance, ten days of reflection have provided a great deal of perspective.  Billy Bob sucks.  We all realize this.  But his band is far from the worst abomination to arrive on the celebrity-band scene.   Below you’ll find five examples of bands more contrived, musically offensive, or just generally more aggravating than Billy Bob’s Boxmasters - though none of them have nailed Angelina Jolie.

5. 30 Odd Foot of Grunts:  While TOFOG may no longer be belching their auditory garbage into the world, that doesn’t mean that they’ve been forgotten.  They never wrote or recorded anything that people didn’t hate, but they did manage to inspire classics like “Russell Crowe’s Band” by Australian punk rockers Frenzal Rhomb.  An excerpt:

Don't get a million bucks for getting out of bed
Don't get a million fucks when I punch folks in the head
But even if we know we never get a billboard top 10 hit
At least we know Russell Crowe's band’s a fuckin’ pile of shit!

That, my friends, is a legacy.  

4. Wicked Wisdom: While you’ve got to give Jada Pinkett Smith credit for “really going for it,” she loses serious points for “completely embarrassing herself because she’s really going for it.”  Kind of a ‘Catch-22 for old JPS,’ which would probably make a better band name than ‘Wicked Wisdom.’  As would ‘Any Name That Exists.’



3. Dogstar: The original embarrassing musical vanity project, Keanu’s Dogstar is also, unfortunately, now defunct.  Not to play Devil’s Advocate, but if the group hadn’t gotten so into Speed and instead focused on The Gift they had, things could have turned out differently.  I get that they weren’t Feeling Minnesota, but they should have just played Hard Ball with their label, rented a Lake House for one Sweet November, recorded some tunes and had an Excellent Adventure.  I feel like they really missed the Point.  Breaks my heart.

2. The San Antonio Spurs:  While technically more of a “basketball team” than a “band”, they still do a pretty good job of acting like assholes when their point guard grips the mic.  Watch as Tony Parker farts out some grade-school flow while Brent Barry does the running man in the background:

What’s French for: “never make another sound ever again”?

1. Billy Bob Thornton: Remember when I referenced Angelina Jolie at the top of the page?  That’s what we call foreshadowing.  If you thought Billy Bob was a boner before, behold “Angelina."

You’re going to be humming that all weekend, aren’t you?  And yes, I would ask Tom Petty that question.