Barukh ata I dunno… that pretty much sums up my knowledge of Judaism…and I’m a Jew! If I was a gambling man, I would have bet the farm on Kenny winning this competition. After all, Kenny’s mother is Israeli; he speaks Hebrew and went to Jewish parochial school, while I was raised in a secular home. Not that I don’t like being Jewish; I love bagels and lox, the Marx Brothers and appreciate being circumcised since I found out that uncircumcised men have more feeling and sensitivity during sex… the last thing I need is more feeling and sensitivity during sex. Ultimately, I believe religion has made great contributions to our culture; but I personally think that the human mind is limited (especially mine), unable to grapple with the big truths, if even the concept of truth has any relevance beyond our own logic and imagination. I digress…
So, feeling behind the eight ball, I enlisted an orthodox Rabbi named Chiam to help me cram Judaism to make up for a lifetime of willful neglect. I was particularly shocked to find out that masturbation was frowned upon by Orthodox Jews…a good reason to consider the reformed or conservative sects. Anyhow, Chiam was a good man and was helping me until Kenny cowardly interfered and tricked the Rabbi into leaving prematurely. Once again Kenny showed a stunning lack of respect for other people’s time…I hope the Rabbi puts some sort of Jewish curse on him if such a thing exists.
So, with Rabbi Chiam gone, I was forced to fend for myself. It didn’t go well. I wasn’t allowed into a Jewish Community Centre (presumably because of the cameras, or perhaps they heard of my prodigious masturbation schedule). I visited a Holocaust Memorial where I felt completely over my head and was sure that someone would think I was making light of the Holocaust, which has historically been Kenny’s domain. I genuinely tried to pray in a Synagogue but between my self-consciousness and neurotic inner-voice, it was far from a spiritual experience…nonetheless I prayed for peace on earth, a victory in the competition, and barring that, a light humiliation.
But unbelievably, the Rabbi/Judge (not Chiam) chose me as the better Jew. His reason: Kenny had essentially rejected his faith, while I hadn’t been exposed enough to it and was still technically open to Judaism. Gotta love those abstract-thinkin’ Jews. I’ll take it.
-Spenny