I love wrestling. Participating in a wrestling competition was a dream come true. And even though the competition didn’t go my way – more on that in a moment – I enjoyed this episode as much as any other we’ve done in the series.
Although he tried to sodomize me with a beer bottle, it was a thrill to meet the Iron Sheik. Would I trust him to baby-sit? No. But the man was a World Wrestling Federation Heavyweight Champion, winning the title from Bob Backlund on December 26th 1983 at Madison Square Garden. The Sheik --or Sheiky Baby as he’s affectionately known -- definitely has anger issues. But that’s understandable because the world of wrestling is a rough business with lots of residual downsides that most people don’t understand. I sincerely wish Sheik all the best and hope he finds some inner-peace.
Now the competition: Not surprisingly I take issue with the decision. The judge, Bloody Bill Skullion, has obviously taken too many drop-kicks to the head if he thinks that pathetic excuse for a wrestler Yarp Yarp (Kenny) won the competition. I don’t care if I lost character – Yarp Yarp didn’t wrestle!!! Wrestling is scripted, and we addressed that reality in the competition. Matches AND double-crosses are part of the script and wrestlers are forewarned of a double-cross. I was not informed of Yarp Yarp’s double-cross, and that is my main issue. Sure, wrestlers use improvisation techniques and stay in character, but important story-beats (and a double-cross is an important story beat) would be discussed beforehand. Either Skullion didn’t know that it was not discussed, or he was paid-off, or he’s had too many blows to the head. Either way, I dispute his decision.
Unlike Kenny, I actually learned to wrestle. I performed many moves: the camel clutch, a suplex, a drop-kick, a sunset flip, an airplane spin and many more. My character (The Nice Guy) was a solid wrestling persona with relevant accoutrements including Mother Gladys and my bodyguards, The Gentlemen. I fulfilled a childhood dream by spilling real blood for my fans. I did the competition, while Kenny essentially hiked up his stinky underwear, wore a basketball on his head, and swung a hammer screeching, “Yarp Yarp.” It may be marginally funny, but it was a lame wrestling persona. And to top it off, as I said, Kenny didn’t even wrestle!!! Pathetic.
Beyond Skullion’s idiotic decision, I believe the episode speaks for itself, and I bet many, including me, will feel cheated, wondering how it was possible for Kenny to win. Regardless, I’m very proud of my wrestling debut.
I’d also like to express my supreme disappointment in Tyson. He turned on me like a rat, and did it without telling me. I’m not sure why he did it, but I have a long memory. I’m not saying that I’ll beat him up -- it’s clear that I couldn’t, and I don’t believe in violence as a way of solving disputes. My revenge, like my revenge on Kenny, is the simple fact that he has forever documented himself on my show as a greasy scumbag, and he will have to live with that for the rest of his life.
Lastly, I’d like to dedicate the wrestling competition to the late great Bobo Brazil and the incomparable Andy Kaufman.
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-Spenny