This was a cheap victory. I won because Kenny lost his balance. Yippee. It was especially unsatisfying because it was a rare instance when I actually had a decent master plan. Escaping to a boat where I would blissfully float my way to victory was admittedly uncharacteristic, and I was bitterly disappointed the plan was ruined by Kenny’s shenanigans. His perversion of the rules by Clintonian wordplay was feeble. For me, not touching my stuff didn’t just mean Kenny not physically touching my stuff, it meant (and I believe a child would have understood it) that Kenny could not directly or indirectly interfere with my stuff. But Kenny, the human loophole, decided to ruin yet another competition. I seriously need to consider retaining an attorney to draft the rules.
The sex swing – and I didn’t know it was a sex swing -- was a ruse. I wanted to have something dramatic to distract Kenny from my maritime master plan. Unfortunately, for me, I ended up stranded in the sex swing, which not only left me completely vulnerable, but was extremely uncomfortable.
Kenny took advantage of my vulnerability by transforming himself into what can only described as a hack version of a James Bond villain, whose cadence, lame rhymes and loaf of rye bread sidekick were clearly not developed in any meaningful way. (Kenny has a history of creating one-dimensional characters: Silencio, Maurice Del whatever-the-hell-he’s-called., the fat guy, Yarp Yarp etc…) I assume he creates these characters as a launching pad to his next show…my fingers are crossed.
Lastly, and reminiscent of competitions past, the parameters of this contest were at best ill-conceived. Is the floor of the house considered the ground? Is a house not raised above the ground? If the floor is considered the ground then why didn’t we just wear shoes? My point is that the competition was conceptually flawed. It’s bad enough when I have to suffer a humiliation, but it’s that much worse when compounded by an illogical competition.
But I make no excuses. I’m a grown man (sort of) who has consented of free will to participate in this train wreck of a show. My main fear is that my professional, personal and psychological life will be irreparably harmed by participating in
Kenny Vs Spenny. My hope is that people will ultimately see me as a decent-ish human being and not just a whining loser who got what he deserved.
Watch First Guy To Touch The Ground Loses
- Spenny