Why, yes, I do realize that this is the second week in a row in which I - the supposed film reviewer here at the Sideshow - have failed to write about a new and / or upcoming movie. And do you know why?

I'll fucking tell you why. This is the second week in a row in which the box office has been ruled over by an irritating little shit yappy dog, that's why. The first week could have been an anomaly, I thought. Maybe people were desperate. Maybe they were ignorant, That could happen. Hell, worse things happen all the time to desperate people. Things like crabs. Crabs happen to desperate people. But they shouldn't bloody well happen two weeks in a row.

For years now I've listened to people squawk about how the film industry is on hard times.People aren't coming to the theaters! They're not shooting on film anymore! DVD has killed the cinema experience! Downloading has killed DVD! They whine and cry and go on and on like there's anybody out there who actually cares and I've ignored them all, putting all the noise down to a bunch of spoiled children who have failed to keep up with the times. But, fuck me, they're right. The end is not just nigh, the end is bloody well here. The apocalypse has arrived and Death comes riding not a pale horse but an irritating, foul tempered, yappy little rat with big ears. And do you know what makes this worse? It could happen again. This could conceivably hold the top spot for a third week in a row. Let's check the competition shall we?

W? Yes, what America really wants right now is a reminder that they've just lived through eights years of the worst president in history. That's gonna pack 'em in, man. Oliver Stone, you were a much smarter guy when you were still snorting coke.

Passchendaele? It's not even opening south of the border - I don't think it is, anyway - which means it's got no shot, but even if it were, come on ... the Due South guy making a military romance? That's what the kids want, yep, a long, boring movie with a title they can't pronounce.

The Secret Life of Bees? This one's got potential, actually, but only if you were to unleash a pack of wild, rabid chihuahua's with a lust for blood on the unsuspecting cast. Take that Dakota Fanning! Take that Alicia Keyes!  I'd pay good money to watch that movie. This one, though, not so much.

No, the only real hope lies in the hands of Max Payne, and while I freely admit that this one looks far better than it has any right to, it's more than a little troubling when the best hope for cinematic quality comes in the form of a video game movie.

So, what to do?Well, you could imagine the little furry beasts being beaten to a pulp by this guy. Or this guy. Or torn to bits and eaten by these guys.  Of, better yet, just go read a book. Cinema is dead.