Word up, sex fiends, and happy harvest season. As an ode to October, I've decided that this month's blog posts will combine two of my favourite things: sex and Halloween. After all, getting naked can be a transcendental experience, if you do it properly.

To kick things off, I decided to talk to Rebecca Rosenblat, a psychotherapist and couple's counsellor who leads workshops on erotic talk and roleplaying at Good For Her. October 31 doesn't have to be the only day of the year that you pull on a costume and take on another persona: here, Rebecca tells us how to add a little spice to your sex life by acting out a little and indulging in your kinkiest desires.

Q: So since this post is centred around Halloween, tell me why you think costumes can be really sexy.

A: Costumes are really important because in general clothes define us, who we are and how we want to be seen, whether we're glam or sporty or someone who doesn’t give a damn. It’s how we serve ourselves up, whether we dress up as a princess or as a slave or a scray monster. You're saying forget who I am, this is who I am for the night. Once you’re in a costume, there’s a series of implications that go along with that. If you're dressed sexy, you're saying I want to be approached in that way. If I'm dressed sexy, you had better let me know that I’m sexy. You're giving permission to address you in a particular way, it lays out rules of game. People know how much they can get away with. Dressing up is the fastest way of slipping into a role and letting others know this is who you are tonight and these are the powers that belong to you. It's powerful to dictate how you want to be treated.

Q: How long have you been giving workshops on role playing?

A: I’d say off and on for about six to eight years. It's now pretty much exclusively for Good for Her and occasionally a private bachelorette party.

Q: What's your definition of roleplaying?

A: Basically just assuming another persona that makes you feel sexier. Maybe it makes you feel more empowered, freer. We all tend to be really scared. Our fantasies are what they are, they can’t change, but we're often afraid of how our partner would receive them. There are parts of ourself that are passive and want to be dominated, or to dominate, and we know that’s not right.When you take on a persona, you're allowed to indulge.

When you slip into a roleplay, it’s play. As adults, that playful part of us we kind of set aside but it’s always in us to play. Sexuality is one way people play and it sort of taps into that psyche part of ourselves where there may be unmet needs. If you assume a persona, you’re just playing out a role. You can actually indulge some of those fun needs, some of those playful areas and at time also some freaky areas. You may want to rewrite a happy ending to a painful memory.

Q: So what do you cover in your sessions?

A: First of all, it's all tied in with the art of erotic talk. Knowing what to say and how to say it. Sometimes people use just erotic talk, they don’t even bring costumes into it. We do some exercises where people are taught to accept themselves, accept their fantasies, and use the language of sex and desire confidently.

Then we get into how to negotiate role play game. Safe words, we teach you about that, especially if there’s any kind of tying up or blindfolding, you need to know what to do if someone is too close to their edge and freaking out. I encourage them to use traffic lights. Amber means I'm close to my limit. Red means stop no matter what. Also learn about practicing sobriety and respect. How to draw up a safety net: if you try such and such and it doesn’t work out, you have to drop it, never bring it up again, never throw it in each other’s faces. If you don’t like a game, make it clear you disapprove of the game and not your partner.

Then we go through the top ten most common fantasties and everyone marks down yes, no or maybe. If both you and your partner say yes, that's a roleplay. If you say no, it's no. A person should be able to say no without havng to explain themselves or being berated. If it's maybe, you have a discussion. Live with it, digest it, see if you can make it comfortable with you. If you can, have fun with it. If you can’t that’s alright but try something else. You may go back and forth a few times until you find a roleplay you both like, but you’re communicating and you’re exploring some pretty erotic stuff.

Q: So what happens when you finally choose a roleplay?

A: You need to decide who is the active and who is the passive person. You can’t have two directors, then it just becomes silly. Let's say you and your partner decide you're going to dress as a call girl and he's going to flirt outrageously at a bar to pick you up. Then you say, ok who has the skill to set it u?. Whichever party has the skill to set it up, the person that has the skill and the abilities will set it up and the other person just shows up and they just play with it. The onus is off the second person. You don’t have to be embarrassed—you’re not actually a teacher playing with your scared little student, you’re just playing. It's a chance to explore a bit more.

Q: What else do you talk about in the sessions?

A: We talk about why there are certain fantasies—getting comfortable with your sexuality. How to share your fantasies so you can perhaps buld a roleplay. Expressing your needs and encouraging your partner to express their needs. We also talk about heavier play, BDSM, and the very important rules about language and safe words and safety nets.

Q: What are some of the top ten fantasies?

A: Sex in a public place where there’s a risk of being caught. Dominating, or being dominated. In power play, the slave is the master in disguise because the slave is in control of calling it off.

I call it power with as opposed to power over, you're playing with power but both people are consenting. Another popular fantasy is sex with an unlikely person. Jessica Rabbit seems to be very hot with a lot of people.


























Thanks to Northbound Leather for the feisty costume pics.