I first heard the buzz on Terrence Dean's Hiding in Hip Hop early this year. I'd never heard of the guy, but the buzz was that he was a longtime hip hop scenester, perhaps a producer, who was coming out as gay. Like any gossip-loving hip hop fan, I was intrigued. Around 2004, mainstream media outlets like Oprah and the New York Times started talking about black American men who lived on the "down low": secretly having sex with men while publicly living straight lives, often with girlfriends, wives or children. I certainly believe that at least 10 per cent of everyone—whether that's bus drivers or, um, pro sports stars—are un-heterosexual. So the promise that Dean's book would name names and blow the lid off the pretenders was a juicy one.

Well, sorry to disappoint you kids, but reading this book has left me equally clueless and doubly annoyed. I mean, I know that it's wrong to out people, so if Dean didn't want to reveal others' secrets, I guess that's fair enough. But not only is there no good dirt in this book, it's really quite poorly written. It's full off cheesy clichés and painfully obvious statements: "When I arrived in New York, it was summertime. Being Back East was like slipping into a pair of comfortable jeans. They just fit right." Oh, is that what's nice about a good pair of jeans? They fit right?

The unfortunate part is, Dean's story is actually touching. He was born in Detroit to a prostitute mother, who was diagnosed with HIV when he was very young. Because of his mother's problems with men and addiction, he and his many siblings were split up among different family members. Although he was raised by a loving grandmother, Dean always felt abandoned and misunderstood. Molested by a male acquaintance as an adolescent, he always linked his own sexuality with his abuse experience. That, coupled with homophobia among black Americans (and, you know, everybody else) led Dean to live in the closet—or down low—even after he moved to bigger, more liberal cities to work in entertainment. It wasn't until his mid-30s that he finally decided to stop hiding. It's an uplifting tale, and combined with his stories of secret orgies among buff dudes in Hollywood mansions, it could have been a great book. If only a good copy editor and ghost writer had got their hands on the manuscript.

His hints regarding who's who among Hollywood homos are clumsy and opaque, and despite my daily dose of Lainey, I'm not one with the patience for blind items. For those of you who are, here's a couple of tidbits from the book. Let me know if you figure any of them out.

There were two male celebrity actors standing a few feet in front of us. They didn't notice us because the club was dark. Both men are young and very attractive and have starred in some comedic dramatic films. One of the actors, "Junior," is a tall, muscular, brown-skinned brother who got his start in television and is known for his comedic roles in films. He never married, but has a couple of children with a girlfriend. The other dark-skinned actor, "Fritz," has been in a few movies and has starred on a popular television drama.

"Eli" [was] a popular multiplatinum rapper who had just started a label. Eli was a force to be reckoned with. He flew out the gate with his debut album and would become a mainstay in the ever-changing Hip Hop industry, where many rappers are one-hit wonders. He has been hailed as one of the greatest rappers to bless the mic....Eli was a burgeoning superstar who parlayed is marketability into television and movie credits. He even had a promising clothing line.

"Mario" was one of the biggest rappers to hit the scene. His rough persona and lengthy criminal past caused many women, and some men, to lust for him....As I looked at the young women surrounding him, I observed that they were not real women, they were transvestites....Mario was the same man who was named by MTV as one of the greatest rappers of all time and lambasted gay men in his lyrics. He had one number one album after another. He often called out other rappers for being soft, feminine and gay, and yet he found comfort in the arms of a transvestite.