Morning woodies! I thought it’d be fun to address today’s pornocopia news in the same vain as old-school porn movies and see if I can give it a whirl.

My main characters are Kim, the effervescent blond cougar whose husband is on a business trip, and Carlos, the young Spanish plumber with a six-pack that rivals Tito Ortiz’s. Here goes:

<Knock knock. Kim answers the door.>
Kim: “Why hello Carlos, here to fix something?”
Carlos: “I’m here to fix you lady! And by the way, do you have any cool porn stories from the web today?”
<They fornicate.>

I think it needs a bit of tweaking, but overall it’s a great segue to today’s top stories:

Jimi’s Dead Wood
With all due respect to the man, there’s allegedly a new Jimi Hendrix sex tape being released by adult entertainment company, Vivid Entertainment. The Vivid pornsters consulted many sexperts in a bid to prove the legitimacy of Jimi’s role in the 11-minute video; word’s still out on whether or not he plays an extended left-handed palm solo.

Touch the Monkey
Imagine you’re a mad Soviet scientist that wants to breed a slave race of ape/human hybrids. Then imagine you actually do it, but then these ‘humanzee’ escape into the nearby woods. Whoops! Check out this weird tail here, and in a related story check out this creepy clip of Oliver the infamous human hybrid here.

Spitzer Girl Goes Wild and Sues
As a follow-up to our Spitzer-patronizes-prostitute-ring-and-gets-served post from a few weeks ago, one of the alleged hookers wants to screw the Girls Gone Wild company. Basically, said call-girl was 17 when she signed up for a booze cruise with the GGW crew to get wasted, flash her boobs and learn basic sex skills to hopefully land her a gig with an international prostitute ring. GGW then posted the clips online for purchase after the connection to the Spitzer story was revealed. The hook? She claims the company has exploited her image and name and that she was underage when it happened, so they owe her $10 million bucks.