Here is an excerpt from a letter recently posted to London, England. I wrote it to one of the most powerful women in the music business.
Dear Esther,
Firstly, I’d like to send my condolences about the whole break up with Guy Ritchie. That’s gotta be tough, even for you. I mean, I know you were married to other dudes like Sean Penn, but we all thought you and Guy had settled down. Now, if
you’re not breaking up like the rumours say, then one might be led to believe that you actually planted that rumour to spin some publicity for your upcoming album
Hard Candy, to be released on April 29th. That’s even sadder, especially since you’ve found your spirit and all that.
Could it be that you’re having a teensy bit of a midlife crisis? Let’s examine the facts.
- Your marriage is either breaking up or you’re racking up bad karma by planting rumours of a break up. Either way, it’s sort of midlife crisis-y.
- You’ve tarted yourself up (which is nothing new), taking cues from your younger self, wearing 80s type clothing. Except that you’re not all young and squishy anymore. This is what moms do when they hit midlife and realize they aren’t hip and fresh anymore – they revert back to their respective heydays, yours being 1984.
- Your new single, “4 Minutes,” starring JT and Timbaland (and if you don’t know how I feel about Timbaland’s “producing” style*, aka saying “yeah” in new and annoying ways every 15 beats, well, now you know) is… not so good. In fact, it’s like you took everything the kids are listening to nowadays, see, and put it in a blender, threw in a few meaningless words and tried your darndest to sound like Britney Spears. Please, pop stars of the world, STOP HIRING TIMBALAND. You will be so embarrassed in five years. And shame on Justin! I was really getting to like him.
- There is an age in each lady’s life where it’s inappropriate and just plain gross to crawl around on the floor and open your legs and mouth on an album cover. You reached that age a while ago.
Um, I think that’s it,
SS
Seriously, I don’t expect much from old Madge, but you’d think approaching 50 might incense a little insight. Just a bit. Aside from being saleable, don’t you have anything to contribute to the collective consciousness aside from “say the word and Imma give you what you want”? I assume you already have enough cash lying around. Is it just your ego that needs to be loved? You’re almost as sad as Paula Abdul in
her new video.
Next week: Paula Abdul gets the same speech. Actually, Paula doesn’t warrant her own post. Paula, please see point 2 and a little bit of 3. Thanks.
*aka Tourette syndrome