A week ago today, I dropped my cell phone on the subway tracks.  Being far too old to engage in such shenanigans as hopping the tracks to get it, I hopped on the train and went home.  MISTAKE!  While I don’t advocate spending your time on subway tracks, I do advocate not going without a mobile phone.  Yes, there were three negatives in that sentence, and I love them all equally.

I feel like a recluse, a pathetic cast-off.  I can’t call to book my pedicure while waiting in line at the sushi place.  I can’t check the Raptors score while perched atop my bidet.  Just yesterday I used a payphone.  If this is what my parents were referring to when they talked about the olden days, I’ve had just about enough.

So to the web I went, scouring the online retailers for a mobile that could keep up with my turbulent yet painfully cool lifestyle.  While I have yet to locate the phone of my dreams, I have made a number of other outstanding purchases that have almost made me forget that I am temporarily society’s garbage.  To wit:

Tickle His Pickle: I am not, currently, a homosexual, but when I realize I am, I won’t leave the house without my copy of Tickle His Pickle: Your Hands-On Guide to Penis Pleasing.  And in the meantime, I can finally get in on those blowjob conversations my lady friends are always having.  Girls are just always talking about blowjobs!

Dr. John’s Famous Pee Pee:  Pop quiz: What’s a chronic drug-abusing felon’s worst enemy?  Piss!  Fail that drug test and it’s back to the big-house for you.  Hope you like making license plates and tying sheets together, cause you’re going back to cliché-prison.  Don’t drop the soap!

Rattlesnake:  What better way to kill those winter blues than to bake a snake?  After you bake it, you eat it.  Then you feel sick because you ate a snake, and that’s revolting.  Then you remember that you forgot to feel sad because you were so caught up in the whole snake thing.  Then you laugh at how funny life is sometimes.  Thanks a million snake!  You did some good (for once)!

I’ll keep searching for the phone.  If you happen to have an extra one lying around, please email it to me.  Can’t email a cell phone?  Fine, then send it directly into my DreamWave.  I’ll invoice you for the transfer.

In weekend we trust,
Reggie.