The holidays are here again and with them come all the trappings of the Yuletide season.

I look forward to office Christmas parties replete with seasonal fondling of sexy co-workers and over-consumption of festively free cocktails, both of which can be contemplated in silent shame during those awkward visits with the in-laws on the high holy days themselves.

But in terms of prezzies, what do I want for Christmas? Not much, besides a time machine that would enable me to go back in time and prevent the industrial revolution from taking place and dooming us all to a life of mechano-integrated drudgery. Barring that, I'd settle for a pair of new kicks so I can wander the wastelands of tomorrow in style and comfort.

Here's what the rest of the Sideshow freaks want under their festive bushes this year.


It comes as no surprise I’ve definitely made Santa’s naughty list this year. So what gifts do I want stocking my stuff this year? Here are my holiday helpers - all gifts that keep on giving, available at Come As You Are. First off there's a Sexy Scratch and Win ($10.95), a kinky collection of more than 100 lottery tickets featuring festive games like "Bondage Bingo" and "The Mile High Club" to help get you lucky. Then to help heat up the holidays are these Shunga Massage Candles soy-based candles ($20). Lastly there's the Intercourses 10th Anniversary Edition ($40.95) sumptuous cookbook loaded with 200 pages of aphrodisiac recipes for your pleasure. It’s hard cover too (I mean the book of course).


‘Tis better to give than to receive, so rather than going through the things that I want for Christmas, here are the things my friends can give me: 1) Chapstick: You wouldn’t believe the way I go through Chapstick in the winter!  Seriously, my lips get so dry, I go through probably six or seven sticks a day!  You could not possibly buy me too much Chapstick, it’s impossible!  I eat so much Chapstick! 2) Money: Gifts other than Chapstick are fine, cause I can take them back to the store and get money.  But you don’t have to return actual money, which saves me one big step in Operation: Eat The Money. 3) The Courage of a Dog:  I don’t actually want this, but I’m afraid you’ll call me selfish and greedy unless I add something non-materialistic to the list.  So there, I’ve requested The Courage of a Dog.  Please don’t actually get it for me.  It can be rather overwhelming.


A Crystal Ball reader like myself should have a Ouija board on the list to summon the spirits around me during the holiday season. Being a selfish gypsy that I am, I want a copy of More Hot Sex – By Tracey Cox, Christmas With Paula Deen, a set of Rescue Me S1 – S3 DVDs, Guitar Hero III for PS2 and a Trailer Park Boys Calendar for 2008.  Don’t ask me what these have in common – Kinky sex with Denis Leary (after cooking Christmas dinner) while playing Guitar Hero and gazing at a Trailer Park Boys calendar… Yikes, I need more booze to soak it all in.



I was hoping to describe my interest in some sort of fictional holiday enema which I thought could lead to some really terrific puns for possible adult DVDs (starring maybe Enema McMahon)! Something like Lock Stock and Two Smokin Enemas! Enema Blanket Bingo! or The Enema That Time Forgot! How about Hitchhiker’s Guide to Enema’s? What have you. Anyway I was looking into what is actually involved with an enema and it’s pretty gross – I think I’d rather get some erotic pastries – but – here’s the twist…they have a yuletide theme. So not only do you have a large pair of disembodied breasts made out of cake but little Santa hats are covering the nipples – something like that. I think that would be much more satisfying than enemas – ew.



All I want for Xmas is tickets to Video Games Live at Massey Hall. It would be undeniably cool to see a 66-piece orchestra and 16-person choir perform the epic symphonies that soundtrack everything from Super Mario and Final Fantasy to newbies BioShock and Mass Effect (whose composer Jack Wall is also VGL‘s conductor). Then topped off with giant screen game footage and lasers! But to be honest, and a little petty, the best part might be thumbing our, um, thumbs at those pretentious classical music stalwarts whose idea of pop culture stopped several centuries ago.



All I want for Christmas is for those f--king c-ck suckers to bring back f--king Deadwood to wrap up season’s four and f—king five. It is by far the best f--king show ever and I need those whores and c-ck suckers back so that I can get some f--king closure. F--king c-ck suckers.



All we want for Christmas is a sex ramp, like one George Clooney has. It elevates your lovemaking 10 to 14 inches for more options off the side of the bed and superior positions. The design allows for stronger thrusting, more varied strokes and greater longevity. Please buy it for us on Amazon. We’ll also accept the Sex Furniture Cube if you are feeling thrifty.



I’m really not patient enough to wait for Christmas; when I see something I want, I usually just buy it (pending the funds in my bank account, of course). And receiving gifts makes me uncomfortable. All the pressure of having to reciprocate with an equal, or better gift, it’s unpleasant. But at the same time there are a few silly things I’ve come across that I wouldn’t mind (but I would never buy for myself). For instance, this Electronic Bubble Wrap Keychain looks delightful or a new pair of Chucks is always a pleasant surprise. And failing that, nothing can really beat cold hard cash.



I know the simple toys I grew up with challenged my imagination; moulding my mind into the creative oddity it is today - but seriously, why didn’t they have toys like this when I was a kid?? Okay, even if they did, I doubt my working class parents would have ever stooped low enough to purchase one of these puppies for me: The F.M.O.M. INDUSTRIES Wave Disrupter Gun

Christmas is a joyous time for Gypsies, especially for those that reside in the downtown core. The city is full of out-of-towners, (sitting ducks as I like to call ‘em), just ripe for the pick-pocketing. This year has proved to be very lucrative for the gypsy and as such she is treating herself to a few niceties for a year of hard work. One particular gift I’ve got my blood shot eyes set on is the UA 90th Anniversary Prestige Collection. For just under a grand, you get 90 films, Academy Award winners to boot, and the satisfaction of knowing that even though you may be a single gypsy in the city, your weekends will be filled with West Side Story, Annie Hall, Rain Main and if you play your cards right, a little In the Heat of the Night action too.

Fantabulous! Guys, I promise that all of you will be getting EVERYTHING on your lists. Or rather, I promise not to get you anything that is not on your lists. And to all of the readers, enjoy the holiday season and see you back here in 2008.