Let’s just get right down to it, shall we? If you haven’t done your holiday shopping by now you’re pretty much screwed. Classy gifts like monogrammed ass paddles and custom dual-person butt plugs need to be ordered ahead of time.

That’s where we come in (literally)!

We have THE gift idea to dazzle the pants off your lady friends this feisty festive season that leaves you breathing easy when you’re crunch n’ munchin’. It took many a marketing department to concoct its name, but let me introduce you to: The Pussy Snorkel!

Here’s the description of this extremely complicated piece of machinery: “The pussy snorkel is perfect for connoisseurs of cunnilingus. Simply place over your head and the pussy snorkel will allow you to breathe normally while giving her a long lustful licking she'll never forget. What are you waiting for? Go Snorkeling!”

I’m sure you’ll agree this handy headgear apparatus is a fantastic last-minute gift that really hits the spot. My only recommendation is that you don’t try to regift it once you’ve opened the box.

Happy Holidays Humpsters!