People call Nicole Kidman “Granny-Freeze” because she’s had so much surgery and Botox that her face looks like a mask now.  This nickname is a correct one, as Nicole Kidman looks like a stoned robot in her new smash hit The Golden Compass.  I saw this film on Wednesday, and I feel a combination of sad and confused.  This emotional cocktail is what I refer to as a ‘3 out of 10.’

I realize that giving my rating in the intro is unconventional, but that’s because The Golden Compass is not your conventional blockbuster mega-hit.  Does it have animated polar bears and rollicking adventure?  But of course!  Is it interesting and enjoyable to watch?  Not really, no!  It tells the story of a young girl who heads to the arctic to do several clever things, and help a polar bear to kill a polar bear because the second polar bear killed the first polar bear’s father in an aggressive polar bear coup d'etat.  The polar bears wear armour and speak English, and are better actors than Nicole Kidman.

Now, you’re saying, “Get over it Reggie, it’s a kid’s movie, don’t be such a besmirching snuggle-butt!”  To that I say: “First of all, ‘snuggle-butt’ is offensive, and second of all, kids movies can be good.  Try watching Shrek 2 and not getting totally ROFL WTF about it.   Not possible.”  Everything is dark and snowy all the time, and there are about eight things happening at the same time and by the end of the movie, nothing is really resolved.  And the actual golden compass doesn’t make any sense.  It’s like the Jedi force, only stupider.

In conclusion, The Golden Compass is not good.  Daniel Craig and I are officially in a snit because he was in this film, and my opinion of polar bears has changed from ‘tolerable’ to ‘ignorant’.

THE END,
Reggie.