There’s been a lot of clap-trap and jibber-jabber this week about how this surfer dude may have cracked the code to Einstein’s unifying theory.  You know what I say to him?  Hang ten, bro – who gives a crap?  Sure, unifying all the principles of physics under one universal code is neat and all, but I’m still waiting for someone to unify the most quizzical and befuddling riddle of the internet age:

THE QUIZZICAL AND BEFUDDLING VIRAL VIDEO

YOU: What kinda thing's so strange about some frickin' virus movie?
ME: Oh god, I’ll speak slowly.

Try this: What does this video have in common with this one?  Aside from having millions of people watch them?  Seemingly nothing, so how are we to predict the next viral breakout?  Truth is we can’t.  But until some surf-bum decides to unify our chaotic internet landscape, we’ll have to settle for:

REGGIE THE VAMPIRE’S CATEGORIES OF VIRAL SUCCESS

I’m like the sorting hat, only not completely dorky.  (Please direct all Harry Potter related hate-mail to Reggie the Sorting Hat at blog(at)showcase.ca)

Category One: Radical 80’s Chicks

This one's a recent trend, involving one part ladies dressed in wicked 80’s gear, and two parts fresh tracks.  Belinda on the keytar is a good example of this genre, as is the Star Wars trumpet solo and my old fave Walk it Out.

Category Two:  Kid Acting Like a Total Jackass

A timeless classic, this group would capture such legends as the Numa Numa guy and the Star Wars kid.  Recent additions to the cannon include this girl freaking out on her birthday and this dude flipping out about Britney.  Man, young people are total idiots!

Category Three:  Anything Involving Bea Arthur

This category should really be called ‘TV Nostalgia,’ but it’s uncanny how many classics old Dorothy pops up in.  From this NBC spot (featuring the sweet vocal stylings of Alfonso Ribiero) to Sniff, Swig, Puff with Rock Hudson, Bea is bigger than the internet.  Bea Arthur is the internet.

There it is.  Every viral video ever made falls into one or more of these categories.  Every single one.

YOU: Oh yeah, what about Lazy Sunday?
ME: Whoops!   Could it be that my categories are somewhat flawed!  Voldemork will be so miffed at me at Quiddich practice!  Better scoot off back to Hogwarts and talk to Dwimbledorf about a new wimple-berry spell!

Nerd!
Reggie.