You know what guys?  You know what is seriously just the worst thing ever?  The fact that it’s November the 9th (November the 9th!!) and there’s already Christmas stuff everywhere!!  I mean, gag me with a spoon, okay?  Gag.  Me. With.  A.  Spoon.

Gag me.  No, do it.

So to get away from all this Christmas chatter I thought I would talk about my favourite thing to talk about:  MOOGIES!! (that’s how cool people and babies say ‘movies’).

So grab a drink (anything but eggnog!) and settle in for the first ever:

REGGIE THE VAMPIRE’S CHRISTMAS MOOGIE ROUNDUP

Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Imporium: In every actor’s life, there comes a time when he must cast away the deep, impacting character work that has defined a long and celebrated career and do something entirely embarrassing to cash a huge cheque and hit a home run with his kids.  For Dustin Hoffman, that time is now.  The result is Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Imporium.  Watch the trailer and cringe.  Apparently, he took the voice from a joke he’s told for years where he impersonates an ostrich.  That’s so lame I can’t even properly process or register it.  This movie is the lameness equivalent of those whistles that only dogs can hear.

Release: November 16th.
Trailer: Above and here.
Verdict: I will never see this movie in my whole life.

I Am Legend: You know when girls say, “I wouldn’t do it with you if you were the last dude on earth”?  Well, in this movie Will Smith is actually the last dude on earth, but then he realizes there’s no chicks to do it with.  That’s like winning the lottery and then everyone deciding to start using bananas as currency instead of money, only you won the money lottery instead of the banana lottery.  What kind of freaks would use bananas for currency, and further, how would you buy bananas in such a system?  As you can imagine this really bums out Will Smith.  Then he meets a group of jovial vampire friends who cheer him up and show him that you can have a good time without alcohol.  The end.

Release: December 14th.
Trailer: Here.
Verdict: A ‘Bloody’ Good Time (Vamp Joke).

There Will Be Blood: If you don’t go see this movie and totally love it, then I’m sorry to tell you that you’re an impetuous dolt.  A cantankerous dullard.  P.T. Anderson rules, and while it’s generally accepted that Boogie Nights and Punch Drunk Love were awesome, some people have the nerve to say that Magnolia did not rule.  Which it did.  These people leave me incensed and invigorated with rage.  It feels warm and powerful, rich with meaning.  Much like Magnolia.  Think about it.

Release: Boxing Day. 
Trailer: Here.
Verdict: Love it.

That should get you into January, when they’ll probably start hyping up next Christmas!

Sheesh!
Reggie.