With Father’s Day fast approaching it’s important to think a lot about sperm, specifically your father’s sperm.  Did you realize that when your father had sex with your mother and conceived you, he released over 150 million sperms into your mother’s birth canal, and the lucky one that penetrated your mother’s egg was you?  Furthermore, your father will produce over 12 TRILLION sperms in his lifetime (that’s a lot of dad sperm!), and of those 12 trillion, you made it.  Congratulations!

So with all this joyous celebration in the air, I thought I’d help you out with a few gift ideas for the man that made it all happen.



If there’s one thing dads love, it’s novelty barbecue gear.  Nothing says lasting memories like an apron that reads ‘Boss of the Sauce,’ or ‘Thrilla of the Grilla’.  Or throw in a caustic twist, with tongue-in-cheek classics like ‘You’ll always be Daddy’s little grill’ and ‘Who are these kids and why do they expect me to feed them?’  Good times never tasted so good!



Dad not much of a cook?  It’s okay, you can still love him!  If he’s more the animal-loving type, a subscription to The Goat Magazine – dedicated to goats and those who raise them - could be just what the doctor ordered.  TGM is the leader in all-breed goat periodicals and boasts a readership of several thousand.  Make it several thousand and one!



Now if your dad isn’t into cooking meat, and he’s not into raising meat, it might be time for him to start reconsidering his contribution to your family.  Maybe you could sign him up for a Karate class, or, like, send him to hypnotist college or something.  The important thing is he starts pitching in – fucking  deadbeat.




So that should take care of the old man for another year!  Have a great weekend, and a very happy Father’s Day!

The guy sitting at the foot of your bed when you have that super-creepy dream,
Reggie.