In the new documentary film Let’s All Hate Toronto, Mr. Toronto (Albert Nerenberg) travels across the nation to find out why everyone’s got it in for Canada’s most recognizable city. He’s narrowed it down to a top 10 list and I’ve taken it upon myself, in cooperation with Sour Grapes Inc., a subsidiary of Haterade International to dispel every argument:

1.  Toronto thinks its number one all the time.
Thinks or knows? This is like hating your older sister because she’s prettier and does better with the boys. Come on Canada, this “Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!” complex isn’t cute.

2.  Toronto thinks its New York.
We are New York—upstate New York. They’re extending our transit line to Cheektowaga as we speak. Tonawanda is going to be rechristened “Torontowanda.” You heard it here first.

3.  Toronto is the “Big Smoke”—polluted to the hilt.
Have you ever heard of a city called Hamilton? It’s like an industrial wasteland. Smells like a toilet in the former Soviet block. You’ve probably never heard of its “red” name: The People’s Republic of Smellskyutz der Hamiltonia.

4.  Toronto is uptight.
We didn’t ask big business to pick our downtown core to roost. You want a brokerage firm in your backyard Shawinigan? You need a financial conglomerate on your front stoop Yellowknife? Take ’em. See how uptight you get. We have to pay the bills Canada, so don’t hate just because we’re too tired to cuddle at night.

5.  It’s all Toronto’s fault… for every problem the country suffers from.
I’m going to give it to you straight Canada, because I love you and tough love is the only way you’re ever going to learn: if you keep blaming us for your problems, one day we’re going to give you something to cry about.

6.  All the bullshit comes out of Toronto.
If we don’t tell you what to like, dislike, eat, shit and breathe, how are you going to know? Marketing, advertising and “spin-doctoring” in general is for your own good. Now calm down and go watch Showcase—its television without borders!

7.  Toronto is obsessed with the Leafs.
I’m going to go ahead and plead the 5th amendment on this one.

8.  Toronto doesn’t know itself.
The most shocking thing I learned from this documentary is that Toronto is not the most multicultural city in the world and the UN never said that we were. So, if we don’t know ourselves, don’t blame us. We used to be somebody. We used to be a contender!

9.  Toronto is hell—everyone’s poor and everyone’s mean.
While the DVP can seem like Dante’s inferno in the form of a major highway system, this does not mean Toronto is hell. Toronto needs a “New Deal” if you will, but no one is stepping up to the plate to do it. Until then, Hooverville, I mean Toronto, will have to keep treading water.

10.  Toronto hates itself.
Toronto has never slit its wrists because it needed the pain to feel alive. And, Toronto’s mother was actually very generous with hugs. The problem with Toronto is that we compare ourselves to other world-class cities and feel sub par. We even built a huge phallic symbol along our waterfront to make up for it. All we need is the Viagra of city spirit. Preferably in chewable form… because the truth can be a hard pill to swallow.