Blogrophiliacs,

I like to help.  It’s what I call my nature.  Cats say ‘Meow!’, dogs say ‘Warf!’, and I help.  It’s all I’ve ever known.

Today I’ve decided to help you keep your job.  “Hold the phone!” you say, “I don’t need no help keeping my fling-flarming jorb!”  Believe me, you do.

In today’s ultra-competitive corporate environments, it’s getting harder and harder to do the right thing, say the right thing, and use the right washroom.  So I’m going to lay down a few ground rules that should keep you employed – at least through the weekend.

DO:  Use emoticons.  As many as possible, at all times.  Let’s face facts; work emails are booo-ring.  Consider the following two email sign-offs:

Exhibit A:
In the matter of all things boring, business-like and entirely serious, I bid you good day,
Reginald T. Vampire.

Exhibit B:
><((((º> LOL! ROFL! ;P  ----<--{@ TTYL! BB4N!
RTV>

Which would you rather get?  Which would you rather send?  Which would you rather send to yourself?  Thought so.

DON’T:  Surf porn at work.  This might seem obvious, then all of a sudden you open the wrong email or click a link like this one and you’re staring at some hardcore porn and your boss is asking you to pack up your desk.  You’re dying to click it now, aren’t you?  I’m joking - it wasn’t porn – it was a Smurf fan-site.  But this link is.  Kidding again.  But this one seriously is.  It’s like a porn minefield.

DO:  Use clever rhymes (as in ‘whoever smelt it dealt it’) when addressing the subject of flatulence.  Draws huge laughs every time.  A few of my favourites:

- Are you human species?  Your pants smell like feces!
- Going sailing, good friend?  Cause you seem to be emitting a gale force anal wind!
- Did a dog shit in here?

That last one doesn’t so much rhyme.  It’s more of a thinking piece.

DON’T:  Drink ice wine at work.  I guess this rule could probably cover all alcohols, though in my experience ice wine is by far the best for a mid-morning tipple, so I thought I’d narrow it down.  It just so sugary and aromatic, and makes you feel so confident and popular – like you can take on the world.  But you probably wouldn’t want to drink it.  I mean you shouldn’t.

Heed my advice, blogs.  This is a warning.  It’s also a warning that you should check your calendar!  That’s right, it’s April Fools day!  Friday the 13th of April!  Oh man you were so confused there, but don’t worry – I was only April fooling around! Zinged!

Have a great weekend,
Reggie the Meduim-Rare Vampire.