Do you often find yourself saying: “Guy, I’m so down cause everybody treats me like a mad punk.” No? Fine, then how about: “Why can’t I ever get my hands on some serious scrilla?” Yeah, whatever, you know you say that.
Well I used to be you – until I realized that the answer to all my worries was right under my nose. Or it should have been. I’m talking about a serious child-scaring, food-catching, Tom-Sellicking ‘stache.
Once I grew this hairy contraption on my upper lip, things turned around for me faster than Ted Haggard’s sexuality. The most notable changes were:
L.L. Cool Reg
Before the ladies were like: “I would never get with you.” Now they’re all like: “I would never not get with you. Pardon the double negative, I’m just so attracted to your moustache that my grammar’s gone right out the window.” Proper.
Show Me the Money!
My respect level went through the roof in the workplace. I got a raise, a promotion, a company car, four boxes of pens out of the supply cupboard, a free sandwich from the deli downstairs once a week, permanent shotgun in the carpool, and the opening slot at our weekly work karaoke night. I guess you could say life is good.
Stay Warm
No more freezing like a chump through these long Canadian winters. Drop a sweet ‘stache and you’re warm and toasty all day long. Check how chilled out I look in this picture, and it’s only -8C out today! Imagine how awesome I am at -30C.
Indicate that the time is 3:45
What time’s that meeting? 3:45. What time are you seeing Blood Diamond on Saturday? 3:45. Now the best time of day is a permanent fixture of your facial hair. Try pulling that off with a beard.
So to honour the general awesomeness of the moustache, I thought I’d invite your submissions into the first ever Sideshow Moustache Contest. The rules are simple:
1. Email us a pic of your sweet moustache (if you can’t grow your own you can find one here, or here).
2. The sweetest entries will be posted on the site, with the winner receiving a copy of McSweeney’s hilarious book of lists, Mountain Man Dance Moves, courtesy of Random House Canada.
So get your ‘staches growing, and have a great weekend!
Your Dad,
Reggie.